American Idols: Unless you’re signing the lyrics, keep those fingers quiet

I don’t know about you but I find it incredibly distracting that so many contestants keep count during their performances by tapping or flexing their fingers around that oversized wireless microphone (I’ll save the phallic innuendo for another day).

It’s almost as annoying as the mandatory sweeping crane shot in every Idol performance, where each week they attempt their best Constantine Maroulis (raise the shoulders, drop the chin, stare through the eyebrow ridge, and slowly lift one corner of your mouth into your best smarm). For total cheese, toss in a wink.

Why do they all insist on following the same, horrible patterns? Break out, dog. Be unique!

We see “entertainment methods” mimicked all the time. In a music video in 1989, they set the camera looking up with the dude looking down and he mugged for it with waving pistol hands and a few overly exaggerated self-hugs, and the school of hip-hop video was born.

We know American Idol teaches them all this madness. And now, they’ll even teach your kids. It’s called Idol Camp. Not kidding. http://www.idolcamp.com/

Yep, for three grand you can send your precious little 10 year-old future superstar away for two weeks to the San Bernardino Mountains so they can learn everything they need to become an American Idol. And for that money, I’m sure they cover everything, including mic tapping, keepin’ it real, and pitchiness. I bet they even offer a camp discount for their first set of porcelain veneers.

Look, parents, your kids can’t learn in just two weeks that the only way to find true self worth is by seeking judgment in the harsh world of entertainment, or pageants, or blogging. No, that message will take years to instill.

You could just sit them in front of the tube with all 136 episodes of Fame and a case of Red Bull, but, unfortunately, only Season 1 (and the original movie) is available today.

As for you Idols, if you really want to be viewed as professional musicians, then count in your head, move with the rhythm, pump your foot, tap your free hand on your ass, or go old school with a tambourine. Better yet, a cowbell.