Are You There, God? It’s Me, Fed-Up.

I know my diatribes on the driving habits of others have to be getting old, so I’ll make this one quick. After avoiding a head-on collision with a dude who decided to exaggerate his turn around a family riding bikes on the shoulder into my lane, right after a woman blocked traffic because she wanted to turn into Citgo across traffic instead of Shell, right after the tailgaters who got their driving training from Nintendo near-missed my tail within inches, I just have to say something before I go Michael Douglas in Falling Down on someone next time.

I do not judge nor retaliate, nor even wish harm upon another human being, but I have to wonder if a few folks aren’t overdue for a good old smiting.

Maybe it’s the old adage of one rotten apple upsets the cart, but these Granny Smiths affect me in the worst way. I cannot drive anywhere without wondering who these self-absorbed, overly aggressive, tailgating, one-turn-away-from-thankfully-removing-themselves-from-the-gene-pool mow-rons think they are. I need to restore my own hope in humanity, and I’m having a lot of trouble. Remember how brotherly every one was for a heartbeat after 9/11? Wow, that really lasted, huh?

So…God? I leave it in your capable hands, but if I may be so bold to offer my humble opinion, I’d sleep just fine knowing you decided to smite down a few of these bastards to remind them worshipping a false idol includes themselves, and slowly bring our world back into some semblance of order.

I'd like to buy the world a home and furnish it with love,
Grow apple trees and honey bees, and snow white turtle doves.
I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony,
I'd like to buy the world a Coke and keep it company.

And if that doesn’t work, I’d like you to bring back glass bottles so I have something to chuck at these a*holes.

Amen

Accidental Disclosure

After coming very close today to plowing into a jackass that pulled out in front of me way too late, while I was foolishly zooming down the right-turn only lane assuming everyone going straight or left would continue to do so, I decided that (a) they’re not accidents, they’re mistakes and (b) we should start including the driver’s name(s) and hometowns in the morning traffic reports when these mistakes happen. Perhaps removing the anonymity people enjoy behind the wheel will make them think twice before making a move they fully know is unreasonable and so often prickish.

Today’s delay is courtesy of Tony le Tigre of the 700 block of Narcissist Row in Westchester Hills. Tony decided he needed to be in the right lane when it was already occupied and didn’t feel like waiting his turn. You can reach Tony on his cell at 202-555-PUNK or drop him an email at selfentitledbastard@alwaysgottabefirst.com and thank him personally for providing you with a cardiac workout and some extra driving time this morning.

Our traffic nightmares in the morning and evening rush are partly due to too many vehicles on highways that weren’t meant to support the volume, or that were poorly designed from the outright. But I contend most of our real delays are due to the mistakes that are entirely avoidable if people had respect for the laws of traffic and more importantly the laws of physics, they paid attention and they waited their mothertrucking turn!

I’m not the best driver by any means, and I really try to count to 10 and not react in any vehicular way like following, tailgating, braking, beeping or even flipping off drivers who f’ up. I wish others would follow suit. We all take it personally of course because the behavior is simultaneously selfish and risky. And when there are kids in the car, yours or mine, it’s really hard not to lose it.

There are times when someone is in a legitimate hurry (getting a pregnant woman to the hospital when the contractions are down to five minutes apart, rushing to your child’s school when all you’ve been told is “they’ve been injured”), but most times it’s because the other driver is an ass. When that’s the case, and they cut you off or cause an accident, I can guarantee it’s not the first time they were an ass and it won’t be the last.

So instead of worrying about them myself, or feeling any need to react emotionally, I’d rather just hear about them on the radio or read about them in the paper (list them right after the crime log).

Sorry I was late to work today, boss. Apparently Paris Hyatt couldn’t be bothered with all those distracting lights, signs and signals yet still felt confident enough in her multitasking proficiency to text her boyfriend as she flew through the intersection of Inconsiderate & Brainless. Actually, she only made it into the intersection before colliding with the truck that had the actual right of way. I’ll be sure to send a flowery eCard to wtfwereyouthinking@heynumberone.com when she’s feeling a little better.

I know my rant is harsh but I have very little patience with those who know better and choose to risk the lives of others all for a few seconds or a better place in line. And half the time it’s to get to work. Who wants to be there earlier? Please, after you.

Highway Spooning

I don’t have a “Choose Civility in Howard County” magnet on the back of my car to say I’m better than you (that’s what my BTRTHNU vanity plate is supposed to convey). Admittedly it goes against my original bumper stickers & ribbon magnets rant (http://morucci.blogspot.com/2006/01/bumper-stickers-ribbon-magnets.html), but it’s still important to me to say: “Caution: I allow other drivers to slide in front of me instead of closing the gap. I try to leave a car length or two in front of me so I don’t have a bruise on my fivehead when it smacks the steering wheel after you've decided to suddenly stop in front of me. And, no, I’m actually not better than you.”

Today is the first autumn snow in my area. Although most of us learned water freezes at 32° F, most of us seem to ignore that fact and think tire friction must somehow heat the roads, keeping them safe. So we drive business as usual.

I understand you, monsieur ou mademoiselle "offensive" driver, need to be somewhere. It may not be obvious to you (so read this slowly) but, in fact, everyone out there driving needs to be somewhere. That’s probably why we’re all driving. You may think you need to be wherever “there” is before me, or are somehow entitled to be “there” before me, and that I’m the one person in the universe holding you up, but that actually can’t be determined from your vantage point.

When it’s snowing, and the air temp is 28° F, and all those signs that say “Bridge Freezes Before Roadway” still don’t remind you you’re being an ass, front-end damage to your car and engine just might after you finally (or once again) hit someone.

Riding my bumper like a dog sniffing another dog’s bum won’t tell you my emotional state, though it certainly has an effect on it. And it definitely won’t motivate me to move any faster or get out of your way. Flashing your lights or driving in mini-slalom fashion doesn’t do it either. Screaming at me red-faced in silent futility and pounding your steering wheel really just entertains me. And I’m not even in the left “passing” lane so you’ve just got to stop. All-important you is going to hurt someone, so please do us all a favor and get over yourself.

Spoon your partner, not my car. Thank you.