Previously on Twitter - May 2014

I wanted to try something new. I love Twitter simply for the clearinghouse it offers my brain for jokes, especially the ones I'm not using in a script. But tweeting a joke is like pouring a Dixie cup of water into the Atlantic. They still make Dixie cups, right? I'm tossing 140 characters or less into a stream of millions of other tweets posting at the same time. So I decided to go fishing in my own Twitter stream (apologies), and paste some of those jokes here. With Twitter's embed feature, they look prettier than a copy/paste. And because they're embedded, I'll stick to a monthly post so it doesn't take too much time to load. Enjoy!


Jokes

Polishing my guitar. #NotAEuphemism
— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 24, 2014

But what if my Dad isn't graduating? @Hallmark

— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 21, 2014

No matter how angry I get, I'll never stoop to calling a woman the "C" word: Coulter.

— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 13, 2014

"If you notice any of these symptoms, call your doctor..." I haven't had a "your doctor" since I was nine. And his name was "Mom".
— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 12, 2014

Apple to purchase Beats by Dre for $3.2 billion. Could be like Dad trying to put on your skinny jeans. You said everyone cool wore these!

— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 10, 2014

On the Serious Side

Reading #YesAllWomen tweets for 30 minutes. Taking it all in. Honest, courageous & necessary. And very sad. Raise all boys to be kind men.

— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 25, 2014

Whether your celebrating, honoring or remembering, I wish you all a very Happy Mothers Day! OK, Mom! Jeez! "Whether YOU'RE celebrating" ;-)

— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 11, 2014

Reason # 1397 quitting my whorporate job to write full time was the best decision I ever made. I now love Mondays! #AmWriting

— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 19, 2014

Well this feels kind of awesome! I'm on IMDB: http://t.co/zBAubwtBzO #ScriptChat

— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 9, 2014

Our comedy web series @ClickTheSeries debuted this week! New ep coming Wednesday. Check it out here: https://t.co/yxSOhjhjfP #ScriptChat

— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 5, 2014

From @midnight's Hashtag Game

#UndateableBecause they're either your parents or your roommates, not both. @midnight

— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 21, 2014

#UndateableBecause you say "supposably" @midnight

— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 21, 2014

The Second to Last House on the Left @midnight #BadPrequels

— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 7, 2014

Ferris Bueller's Early Dismissal @midnight #BadPrequels

— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 7, 2014

Mr. Smith Pops By Arlington @midnight #BadPrequels

— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) May 7, 2014

Game of Clones: The Pew-Pew Wedding #WorseStarWars @midnight

— Mike Morucci (@GCGeek) April 30, 2014

Blogtrasound - Where's my prize?

My Google search for "blogtrasound" turned up no pages. What do I win?

Seriously.

These days it's nearly impossible to come up with something original that hasn't been written before.

I hear if you get a million views on YouTube you make mad cash. What do you get for empty Google searches?

Of course, now that I've written a blog about my crazy, meaningless, man-was-I-bored search, this moment in time is over. Blogtrasound will point to one page. This one.

The victory is empty, but it is mine. Almost sounds poetic.

The Adult-Couples-Who-Aren't-Married Label Conundrum

I am in a wonderful, committed relationship with a woman named Barbara. When I introduce this woman I love, I say "And this is Barb, my girlfriend."

Girlfriend. I'll be 50 in September.

I'm not necessarily a fan of labels, but I'm an analyst by trade. Quantification, patterns and labels come with the territory. As does obsessing over minute details and trivia. And something about the label "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" just doesn't sound right.

In the grand scheme of things, this labeling conundrum falls in between:

• If I'm really environmentally conscious, why don't I drive a Hybrid? and

• What is the appropriate second age (preschool being the first) when it's OK to wear shorts and a shirt of the same material again?

 But what's the alternative?

• My lady - Hello, 1972. Oh, how I've missed you.
• My woman - Stated like a true man proud of all his possessions, including his '86 Camaro.
• My partner - Too confusing. Yes, I'm a gay-rights activist. No, we aren't a law firm.
• My companion - I'm not 87 and she's not for hire.
• My steady - Hello, 1955. I wish I still had my letterman jacket. If A/V had a Varsity Club.
• My wife - We're not married. Yes, we'd love to talk with you, someone we've just met, about our personal decision of why, if ever or when.
• My common-law wife - I haven't checked the Annotated Code of Maryland recently to see if we qualify. If we do, can we share a health benefit plan? And we're not starring in our own reality series on TLC. Yet.
• My soul mate - Because that doesn't get old at parties when meeting couples who obviously aren't.
• My friend - Nothing screams non-committal more than this one. It also implies a hidden relationship. "This is... my friend, Barbara."
• My best friend - Absolutely true but doesn't highlight the romance. I also don't rank my friends. Believe me, I have at least eight best friends. Wouldn't it be fun to do, though? "This is Steve. He's in the Top 10. Oh, that's Dave. He was at three for decades. But then he wouldn't stop quoting FoxNews. He's been climbing up from eight since the election."
• My confidante - Maybe if I'm sharing my secrets by candlelight with my ghostwriter, in the Renaissance era.
• My main squeeze - Seriously? Maybe if I was a C.I. for Starsky & Hutch.
• My shorty - Sounds hilarious coming from me. She's taller. 
• My schmoopie, cuddle muffin, precious - Not enough Tagamet to even finish this one.

So unless someone comes up with a better alternative, I'm going to stick with girlfriend. Just know when I use "my" it means "in relation to me" not "possession". And she is my soul mate.

Right Turn on Red Is Not a Right

It's an option.

If traffic is coming, you fucking wait until your light changes to green.

It's not a stop sign.

We're not taking turns.

And when you do pull out, like I wish your father had in 1977, you don't do it slower than Steven Wright on a bottle of Lunesta and four pints of Sangria during a Congressional filibuster. You hit that accelerator like Marty McFly and rocket to 88 MPH. Asshole.

Nine Things Never to Say in a Job Interview

Have you seen these ridiculous articles for job-seekers?

I saw this title today in an email from Monster.com. Not that I'm looking. ;-)

I didn't read it. I decided to write my own. Really, it could be a gazillion things to never say...

Nine Things Never to Say in a Job Interview

1. What's your policy on masturbation?
2. Define "inappropriate".
3. Shouldn't you ask if I have ever been convicted fairly?
4. Do you have cameras in all the elevators?
5. In five years? I've never lasted anywhere more than three. You gonna finish that muffin?
6. I'm all about diversity. Like that Dutch chick in HR. Is she single...ish?
7. What's the maximum weight limit for that Minolta copier?
8. Are pants mandatory?
9. This is boring. Go Fuck Yourself.

Please fill the comments with yours! Like "Have you ever heard yourself talk? Wow. Good thing you're hot. Am I right?"

So Many Choices

You see them everywhere. "Choose Civility" bumper stickers in Howard County, the county of my residence in the state of Maryland.

I could explain that "Choose Civility is an ongoing community-wide initiative, led by the Howard County Library System, to position Howard County as a model of civility. But I choose to let the fine folks explain that here.

I'm all for civility, and community initiatives, and definitely the Howard County Library. I've even blogged about this topic before, when someone stole my Choose Civility magnet here.

But what kills me are all the copies of this simple design, and all the sarcasm. Which, honestly, shouldn't surprise anyone in this era of perpetual cynicism.

Choose Senility, Choose Insanity, Embrace Hostility. Oh, I don't mind any of them. I just feel bad that it took me so long to finally join in. Here are mine:

Under Construction!

I'm surprised Google hasn't sued me for neglect. Amazon has threatened to pull my blog from their Kindle service - my apologies to my one reader, Bryan. You deserve better than four posts a year.

I refuse to have a blog that just sits there collecting dust like my Galoob Star Wars micro machines still-in-package ACTION FIGURE set - who needs the stock market?

I have so much to say but have had trouble articulating the...words...on paper or screen. But I shall return. Soon!

Thank you for your patience. Please feel free to peruse the other 450 million active English-language blogs whilst you wait.

I Am Not a Resource

I haven't posted in quite a while. [CHOOSE YOUR EXCUSE HERE.]

But I am motivated to write for three reasons.

First, Amazon reminded me I haven't posted in forever and they'll dump my blog from Kindle availability if I don't. It's not that Amazon is threatening or foreboding; they just make a good point. The fact that they charge a monthly fee for blog subscriptions is stupid, and it's why I have no Amazon subscribers, including myself. I would actually pay a fee to Amazon to offer my blog through the Whispernet and not pass it along to readers. I'll recommend it and see where it goes.

Second, my friend and wonderful artist, Katayoon Zandvakili, @KatZandvakili publicly threw down the gauntlet and challenged me to have something posted by Friday. OK, in all honesty she sweetly said "if you post your blogs, I'll post too!" I'll be checking her blog tonight whilst enjoying Keith Morrison's contradictory storybook-style narration of a triple murder on NBC's Dateline.

Third, I nominated myself for Baltimore's Mobbies awards. Not this blog because it's been too quiet here -- and I'll hope for a nomination next year by someone other than myself because this thing is rocking -- but I did nominate my personal Twitter account, because I am very active enough on that, and bust out jokes that make me laugh.

Fourth, I actually have something to say. And I apologize for misleading you with suggesting there were only three reasons. Oh dear. I apologize again, because I didn't suggest or infer but indeed actually stated there were "three reasons."

So what DO I have to say? Simply this...

Dear corporate world: I am not a resource. I am not human capital. I am a human fucking being. When discussing "Who's gonna do this work?", please refer to me, and my fellow human beings, as "people."

How hard would that be? Not very.

I wanted to say "Dear whorporate world" but realized since I grab the cash off the nightstand every other Friday, the whore is me.

Representin' the Improv Nation

Maybe there isn't an official Improv Nation, but I still feel part of one.

This weekend, the Baltimore Improv Group is hosting its fifth annual Baltimore Improv Festival at the Creative Alliance in Baltimore.

I took some improv classes a few years ago to help with my writing, and to deal with stage fright (as a guitar player, not an actor). I made friends, joined a troupe for a while and learned a ton. I'm going tonight to see my good friend and former troupe-mate Chris Kojzar perform with Training 4 Prom, as well as to see other outstanding troupes, both local and visiting. They include Mr. Licorice, Michael Loves Greg, Population: 6, Plan B and Gus!

I'm also going to reunite with friends who are former classmates/troupe-mates. Like I've found with the writers community, improv is also a very welcoming, supportive and fun collection of talent and love.

Throughout my training, I remember constantly hearing "it's not about being funny." But as a performer, I craved the laugh. Over time I realized it's not about trying to be funny. It's not set-ups and punch lines. It's about honesty. The funny or the dramatic moment comes from an honest approach. Owning the character, the situation, the moment. Don't think it through. Be it.

The funny comes because it's not forced.

Here's an improvised example:

"Good evening, ladies and gentleman. Tonight we need your help with setting our scene. Can someone give me an occupation?"

"Banker!"
"Phlebotomist!"
"Cosmonaut!"

"We'll go old-school with cosmonaut."

"Now we need an activity..."

"Hiking!"
"Masturbating!"
"Campaigning for prom queen!"

"I think we have a winner. Campaigning for prom queen."

It's not just the random hilarity of mish-moshing things that may not ordinarily go together. For this particular scene to be successful, the actors simply need to own it. And support each other. Now, everyone is waiting to see how the cosmonaut will campaign for prom queen.

I would probably attack this with a terrible Russian accent that would quickly devolve to Scottish/Latino.

"Nyet! Nyet! I want them toooo think I'm sex-ay, not a slut...ese."

Losing the accent is fine, as long as you don't let it go. Personally, I love how the accents change over two or three minutes.

I also learned if you're not having fun, no one's having fun. Simple, maybe even obvious-sounding advice, but I started to pay attention to everything I watched, and how I handled myself. When I got flustered, or too nervous, it blew the scene. And that doesn't mean you have to be smooth or perfect. Having fun, ESPECIALLY with the screw ups, connects you with the audience.

I often hear "I could never get up there." I thought the same thing. Nerves are natural but when you realize everyone is there to have a good time, and aren't expecting gold but often find it (and are delighted when they do), you really can do it.

Another bonus: I can't remember shit. With improv, there is nothing to memorize. Blank slate. Have fun!

Improv has helped my writing tremendously for two reasons. First, it gave me techniques to get out of my own head and really start to create. Secondly, it gave me a full appreciation of what it's like to be an actor with crap writing. I don't ever want to leave the character with bad lines, or worse, nothing to say at all.

So if you're within 200 miles of Baltimore, I strongly encourage you to hit the festival this weekend. Passes are cheap. The shows are phenomenal. And there are lots of classes for any skill level. It's truly one of the best things I've ever embraced.

And don't just take my word for it. Steve Kaplan thinks so, too. And he's a comedy genius!

Hope to see you there! Yes and...

Pathologically Pathetic

What is wrong with me? How is it that it's been nearly two months since I've posted?

This took me 30 seconds to write. Granted, I'm not really saying anything but at least it's not two-months old.

Here's a quick thought: Facebook is slow today, Twitter is down and my Yahoo! server is blocked at work. Three problems that didn't exist for me a mere three years ago, from three services which are absolutely free to me. Except for the $700 iPad device from which I access them. No, it doesn't make me look cool. Yes, it actually has changed my life and I'm now 90% paperless.

This is a picture of me phoning it in. See, I'm even too lazy to be clever and just went with the literal.

I would like to vow that I shall no longer be pathologically pathetic and post more frequently, but I had the nerve to create a page called Daily Amusement that I last updated in December. So we both know I can't be trusted.

Until we meet again, [INSERT CATCH PHRASE HERE].

Ciao!

Alli Is Not Your Ally

Although it seems to be promised, you can't have everything in a pill. And the long-term effects of what drugs can do to one's body, prescribed or otherwise, often aren't revealed for years.

GlaxoSmithKline is offering their latest miracle, Alli, the FDA-approved weight loss pill.

Just watch this ad and then we'll chat...


In their latest television advert, Cheryl Hartvigsen says, "As a pharmacist, I knew it would be safe because it's approved by the FDA."

Now there's a confidence-booster, because the FDA has never approved anything they later had to recall that may cause us harm. Except for all of those meds that ended up causing us harm that have been recalled. They even have a dedicated site of recent recalls.

Don't get me wrong. I want the FDA to review pharmaceuticals (holy crap, I spelled it right without spell-check!) - but with funding that relies on taxes, we get what we're willing to pay for.

Ironically, in the same commercial block I just saw the Alli spot, I also saw an ad for a law firm seeking Reglan users (now suffering from Tardive Dyskinesia) for a class-action lawsuit. Of course in advertising, lawsuit ads that replace the pharmaceutical ads just means more revenue.

Ms. Hartvigsen goes on to say "My husband's a doctor. And if he didn't think Alli was safe, he wouldn't let me use it."

This one really struck me. One, I guess we must assume he's an MD and not a PhD. Even so, his non-appearance is also a non-endorsement. Although it isn't illegal for doctors to endorse drugs in direct-to-consumer advertising as long as its disclosed (usually in fine print you can't read even if you were to pause it on a 60-inch, 3-D, high-definition home theatre system), it's discouraged by the AMA. So they may have smartly chosen not to have her husband appear in the ad. Yet, hearsay is inadmissible in court (according to all of the legal TV I love to watch) and in advertising, in my opinion.

Two, she assumes since he didn't stop her from taking it, it indicates it must be safe. Because doctors never lie. And neither do husbands.

Three, "he wouldn't let me use it" is just an uncomfortable expression - this is scripted so they worked very hard on word choice. If he is prescribing for family members, it brings its own set of legal/ethnical questions; plus, she the pharmacist and he the doctor (indirectly) receive financial compensation for this endorsement. Not exactly objective. Or did she mean he allows her to use it? For me, that can be interpreted as permission/control, even if it wasn't intended. Perhaps I need a pill for not letting the details go.

I'm not a doctor but for what it's worth, if you need to lose weight and have issues with diet, seek out a nutritionist, not a pill. Join or create a support group to reach your goals with family, friends or coworkers. Go to a gym. If you can't afford a gym (financially or life is just too busy), take a daily walk. If you can't take a daily walk, take a weekly walk.

I can see the recalls now. Can you?

It's Not Writer's Block: It's Muddle Age

Muddle Age? That's a typo, right?

No.

OMG. What could that be? Did you read it on WebMD?

No. I made it up. But it's real, man.

It's when you double your age and realize, "Aw crap. No way. I'm not going to live that long."

For me, it's 94. No matter how organic my food, or how awesome my downward dog, it ain't gonna happen.

I live to write humorous posts (humourous for my Canadian/British friends; humerus for my pre-med). And it's not like I just stopped laughing, but I've been to five viewings/funerals in a span of eight months, and it kind of kills the buzz. Repeatedly.

In my mid-twenties, all my friends were getting married. In my mid-thirties, all my friends were having babies. In my early forties, it was mid-life. And now in my *mumble* *ahem* *cough* not-early forties, my friends are losing their parents. Luckily, mine are doing well in the blue/silver/beet-haired mecca we call Florida.

Don't get me wrong. I'm blessed to be here, to have known all of these people, and to still have my parents. But it's been kind of crazy, and I'm really hoping it's not a pattern. Not another "I'm at that age..." And laughing at Snuggies, idiot politicians or Family Guy just hasn't done the trick.

But the fact the term "muddle age" hit me when I was brooding about my writing hiatus inspires me, whether it's my own ability to persevere and think up goofy shit, or a little divine intervention giving me the nudge I've been pining for. Or maybe I overheard it.

But I just blogged about it.

♬ Bang your head / Muddle health will drive you mad ♬

Muddle on, fothermucker. Muddle on.

I'm With Stupid and I'm Alone

Let's face it. You can't have a horror movie without stupid people. Common sense tells one not to enter the household when the door jamb has been obviously crowbarred. If flicking the light switch has no effect and you're not in a thunderstorm, turn around and walk away. And do not go in the basement if you can see your own steaming breath, or if the kitchen has just hurled all of the cabinet contents straight at your head. Stupid sense says: grab a flashlight and investigate. Pajama bottoms and a ripped wifebeater will offer all the protection you need.

When your car breaks down, common sense says: call AAA and wait for a professional. Stupid sense says flip open the hood and check the belts and hoses. You will be able to diagnose and fix the problem yourself with a tire pressure gauge and some hand sanitizer. Besides, flares are for wussies. I'm pretty sure this type of thinking is why observation areas for a hospital's Operating Room are hermetically sealed and are not on the same floor. No one wants you rooting around an open chest cavity because you've watched three seasons of House on Blu-Ray.

Today, I've joined the ranks of stupid is as stupid does. It started out fairly harmless. I went outside to remove a vine that had taken over a large pine tree in the front yard. I grabbed a shovel and an empty trash can (tomorrow they pick up yard waste for recycling). But I forgot the gardening gloves, and didn't feel like going back inside. I was on a schedule. Not a real schedule; the kind you make up in your head when you get up in the morning.

The plant reminded me of milkweed, something I remembered as a kid, except this was 12-feet tall. And it had berries. But I proceeded on, cut it up with a shovel and my bare hands, and put it out for tomorrow's recycling. It's pictured above.

Stupid. I have no idea what this plant is. I could have looked for some gardening gloves, or looked up the plant online on my smartphone, but I was already in the front yard and that might have taken 120 seconds of my precious time.

Now, after searching the web for an hour, I have no idea what this plant is. Here's hoping it's not poisonous. Wait? I hear something in the basement, and the dogs are getting ancy. Better go check it out.

Thanks NBC: Cheated not Tweeted

Now I know how Conan feels. Minus the 30 million, a new show on TBS and a third-row seat at the Emmys. But let me take you back in time before I discuss last night's half-assedy of execution by NBC of Tweet the Presenters.

In 1987, an open casting call aired on MTV for The New Monkees, a new sit-com based on the old sit-com of a fake-real band (Mike, Micky, Peter and Davey). I was 23 years old, a singer/keyboardist/guitar player, and hungry. I took a train to New York, and a cab to the audition. I was pumped!

Here's what I didn't know: 5,000 people would already be there. It was a national casting call. Why was I surprised? I stood in line for over five hours. There were signs posted along the way that basically said, if you stand in line, you convey rights of your likeness, image, silhouette, voice and soul in perpetuity to the Empire (Viacom I think). MTV itself was filming at different times. Mark Goodman interviewed someone about three people in front of me. By that point had he interviewed me, it wouldn't have been pretty. I was convinced it was all a conspiracy, just a marketing stunt, there was no serious audition, I was an idiot, and we were all there for episode one. For free.

By the time I got to the audition room, they were running us in a few at a time. There was a piano, I had my guitar and none of that was needed. No one was playing. I sat a table for 17 seconds. A dude asked me two questions and I was sent on my way. No chance to perform; no chance to audition. Done. I was disappointed, but also aware actors did this shit every day. Who was I to complain? At least I took a shot, and by "a shot" I mean pay for train tickets, cab, and stand in line for five or six hours, not get interviewed by Mark Goodman and not audition. I was young. I got over it.

I was half right. It turns out two of the band members were already cast - actors do get invites for real auditions, as they should - and according to web accounts, two others made it through the open call. Good for them. So there were some real auditions at some point. The show didn't do very well. No, I don't take total pleasure in that.

Flash forward almost 20 years. G4TV announces an open audition to join Kevin Pereira as his cohost on Attack of the Show. Much better opportunity! I've been following this show since it started as the Screen Savers on ZDTV (Ziff Davis Television), then Tech TV, and then Comcast's G4 before morphing into AOTS.

I was a communications major, I've done radio, I'm a tech guy, I'm comfortable in front of a camera, I've had years of IT/PC experience, love comics, am a gamer, and I'm funny. I. Can. Do. This! They were auditioning in different cities. I followed them all week on G4. They even had a two-page script for prepping and I was ready!!

I'm on the East Coast so it was back to New York again, this time in record-breaking heat. The line wasn't as long as 1987's, but in heat like that it didn't matter. People in line were very nice (and I was hoping CPR certified) and we all made the best of it. There was only one serial-killer looking guy - we got him whatever he wanted and never made eye contact. G4 itself was filming at different times--Hey, wait a minute...

My favorite part? The auditions were upstairs, the elevator was broken, and there was no air conditioning in the building. I thought I might actually pass out in the hallway. When we finally got to the door, they were taking 12 at a time. I'm not kidding. Some folks were nice enough to tell us about their auditions during the day - when they were still auditioning one at a time. By the time we got there I guess the casting company was hotter than we were - so they asked one group question to all 12 of us and wanted a simultaneous response while they videotaped. A cacophony of nonsense. Motherfucker! They got me again.

I did see myself on G4 later that week in a quick pan. That was...cool. Olivia Munn eventually got the gig. Nobody in line looked like Olivia. And she surely didn't have to stand in the heat with us hopefuls. Of course she rocked the part. Her career is taking off and she's now a correspondent on the Daily Show. I'm sincerely very happy for her. If the Daily Show started auditioning writers, I'd stand wherever they told me for as many days as it would take.

But I'm reminiscing. What I really want to talk about are last night's Emmys. The Glee intro was phenom. Jimmy was a great host. And NBC had been hyping up Tweet the Emmys all week. This is an excerpt from the dedicated page on their web site:

"For the first time in Emmy history, you can be a part of the live broadcast via Twitter. Sign into your Twitter account in the box below and then click on one of the Emmy presenters. Tweet something about them and Jimmy may use your tweet as part of his introduction for those presenters during the show! ...Jimmy & our staff will be reading and choosing tweets up to and during the live 2010 Emmy Awards which start at 8E/5Pon Sunday August 29th on NBC."

Forget about visions of being in front of the camera. I've been writing for years, and my dream job is to write for television. It's no secret, it will happen and I'm patient. And there's no such thing as too much practice. But this week's Tweet the Emmys really had me excited. I am a realist. Even if my tweets were good enough, there would be thousands rolling in. And it's such a timing thing. They need to be seen and read, and the way Twitter works, that's always a crap shoot.

Tweets are limited to 140 characters, and for this assignment I really only had 100 characters to work with, after having to include the presenter's full name and a 13-character #imontheemmys hashtag that allows the NBC staffers (OK the one intern who has the same hopes and dreams I do) to see them and sift for gold.

I think by the end of the evening, Jimmy stopped three times to read two tweets. That's a grand total of six tweets and they were awful. NBC hasn't broken any law (they did say "might") but they did break some trust - duping your viewers like that is pretty lame. I'm not claiming my tweets were the best, but I was hoping for just one to make it, or least hear some really funny ones submitted by others.

Here are my entries in the order I sent them since Thursday. You may have to look some of these people up (I did) for reference.

Jim Parsons: #imontheemmys will only present if Sofia Vergara accompanies him to his HS 15-year reunion. Ah. It's in the presental agreement

Stephen Colbert: #imontheemmys On Com Central he excels at exposing truthiness. His next assignment: infiltrate FoxNews & expose doucheyness

Tina Fey: #imontheemmys Sofia Vergara is hot, but meeting Tina Fey? I'd stare at my shoes, mumbling incoherently in awe of my comedy hero.

Matthew Morrison: #imontheemmys It doesn't matter what you say for this presenter, Jimmy, as long as it's with Auto-Tune.

Eva Longoria-Parker: #imontheemmys Hey @NBC. With full presenter names and a 13-character hashtag, that doesn't leave much room for the intr

Sofia Vergara: #imontheemmys I like my coffee like I like my women, just like our next presenter: hot and Colombian. ...or is that my weed?

Jon Hamm: #imontheemmys How is it your lovely, talented partner @JenniferWestfel only has 39 followers on twitter? Can't you hook a girl up?

Jeff Probst: #imontheemmys 2 yearly tropical vacations & demanding they strike "Get set" from his catchphrase "Survivors ready...go!" = Diva

Stephen Colbert: #imontheemmys Stephen Colbert is here! ...Expecting to walk out & then present the award to himself. That's so Glenn Beck.

Tina Fey: #imontheemmys Writer/producer/actor-no time in her crazy schedule to host Discovery Channel's latest: Parasailin' with Sarah Palin

LL Cool J: Boris Kodjoe: #imontheemmys Having an ab-fab flex-off between LL & Boris is not The Event. But it would crush in the ratings.

Stephen Moyer: #imontheemmys As a True Blood vampire with Sookie lust, HBO rejected his own promo suggestion: "Man, I wish I could tap that"

Blair Underwood: #imontheemmys Playing an African-Cuban president is no longer considered an Event. Playing a Black hiker on Funny or Die...

And I'm sure there was some comedy gold tweeted in. But we didn't hear it last night. What did they read? For Tina Fey "Someone one tweeted, Yeah. I'd hit that." For Sophia Vergara "Sophia is beautiful. And she is beautiful. Did I mention she is beautiful?" I know mine weren't great (I think my Probst line was presenter-worthy), but they didn't even fake it.

I might have actually missed all of this if my friend Jo hadn't told me about it last Wednesday. Thank you, Jo!!!!!!! And I had a lot of fun doing it. And there's no such thing as too much practice. Plus, Dot Com and Grizz (in Tracy Morgan's entourage on 30 Rock), both tweeted support for me. That was an amazing feeling.

Did I have fun with each of these experiences? Yes! Did I really expect to make it? Well, yes. Who hopes and dreams "maybe"? My issue: We were never given the chance. MTV wasn't casting, G4 wasn't casting, and NBC wasn't even trying.

I know it was all meant to generate buzz (which each effort did), and get some bodies doing something for free (which is part of the deal). We didn't expect compensation or miracles for any of these, but we did expect more of an effort on the part of the cattle callers.

Moo.

Maybe It's Not Procrastination

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. There are many things I don't get to in the time I'd prefer, but it's no longer from procrastination or avoidance. It's from all this bloody technology that's supposed to make everything easier with instant access on-demand.

I don't know about you but... I'm now trying to keep current with my text messages, email (three accounts), Twitter posts, Twitter replies, Twitter friends, Facebook posts, Facebook comments, Facebook friends, writing two blogs, responding to blog comments, new blog ideas, reading other blogs, commenting on those blogs, pimping the works of others, smelling the roses, gaming, recording my podcasts, writing freelance articles, listening to my iPod, catching up on podcast subscriptions, learning new songs (guitar & sing), writing songs, breathe, recording videos, my day job, my girlfriend (and not just date nights), my family, my friends, travel, down time, TV (I loves my TV), movies (independent and mainstream), internet articles, magazine articles, a newspaper or two, books to read (I have PILES of books and new friends that are authors, mainstream and independent - a new Kindle DX will help organize but not necessarily get them all read), YouTube videos, YouTube video subscriptions, web series, crossword puzzles, and did I mention I'm writing two TV spec scripts and a screenplay. And then there's that thing I used to do...what was it called? Oh yeah, sleep.

So, procrastination for all intents and purposes is dead. I don't put off jack. I just don't have the time to get to it all. Wait a minute. What was that? My BlackBerry? My laptop? My other laptop? My smart Phone? My landline? The doorbell? A human? When is the last time I looked up? Maybe it was the oven.

New Page: Daily Amusement

I've added a new page to my blog called Daily Amusement. You can see it now in the above Blog Bar.

I may not have a funny blog post each day (each week, each month), but I can easily drop in an amusing joke, tweet, image, video or story each day. So come back daily and see for yourself!

3D Reader Reviewed!

I'm so excited! Matt Debenham's latest, The Book of Right and Wrong, has just arrived. But without an electronic device, how am I to enjoy it?

Thursday 3:43 PM
USPS Delivery Person arrives. In my mail, this appears:














Can you feel the excitement? Actually, I'm guessing at the time of arrival. I was still at work.  Luckily no one pilfered my mailbox, claiming the package was left in a Starbucks or something.

Thursday 5:45 PM
I arrive home. I check my mail and am elated with the delivery, but wisely decide to leave the box in a pile of other unopened mail in my foyer because I'm struck that I should share this unveiling with the world.

Saturday 6:30 AM
OK. Elated might have been a slight exaggeration. I wake up out of habit induced by a Mon-Fri 9a-5p work schedule and realize it's Saturday. I  go back to sleep. The unveiling will just have to wait.

Sunday 6:30 AM
I believe we've covered this.


Sunday 1:30 PM
I start writing this blog because I feel the world is ready. Or perhaps, I just feel like it.

Sunday 1:35 PM
I don't care if it's cute or too reminiscent of a Nike swoosh, I like the Amazon smiley on the shipping box. It pleases me.

Sunday 1:36 PM
Dammit! Where are my scissors? Can we please leave them in one place?

Sunday 1:42 PM
OK. I'm back. The great unveiling. Here it is! A portable device to read content on pages that actually reach out and touch you in 3-D!

Sunday 1:43 PM
Paper cut suffered from the corrugated cardboard edges of the shipping box, as I clumsily grab the contents with no regard for personal safety. Where are the GD band-aids?

Sunday 1:47 PM
Newly bandaged, I soldier on. I carefully remove the contents of the box. For comparison purposes, I place it next to my company-provided Blackberry. Wow, could you imagine trying to read books on that? Now I need to carefully remove the plastic wrapped around my book. Just need the-- seriously? Where are the freaking scissors?!

Sunday 1:48 PM
Oh. My apologies. I've still got 'em. I remove the plastic wrapping to reveal more plastic wrapping.

[Moment of seriousness. Dear Amazon: cool it with the extra wrapping. If you ship millions (or hundreds) of books each year, you could help reduce excess waste -- isn't any waste excess?]

Sunday 1:50 PM
I remove the final layer of plastic. Now I think it important to show you the width of this old school reading device, because that's what all the other tech blogs do. It's actually smaller than my Pentel EnerGel 0.7mm ball Metal Tip gel pen, an awesome, old-school writing device in its own right. Don't just take my word for it. See number three in Yvette's 5 Things You Need To Try.

Sunday 1:56 PM
But, Mike. How much does this antiquated device weigh? I find a simple kitchen scale. By comparison, the Barnes & Noble Nook weighs 12.1 oz (343g), the Amazon Kindle 2: 10.2 oz (289g), the Apple iPad: 1.5 pounds (24 oz., 680g). This book: less than 8 oz (under 200g).

Sunday 1:58 PM
Show us the damn thing already. The reveal! Although no instructions were included with this device,  the same skills required to read a set of instructions are required to read this book. Open it beginning with page one, and read top down, left to right. Although it does have a feature for viewing two pages simultaneously, I prefer to read just one at a time.

Sunday 2:00 PM
The outdoor test! I hear the iPad blows outdoors because of the glare. How did the book do? Swimmingly. [I've always wanted to use that word in a blog. Finally the opportunity surfaces. ;-) ]

Q&A
How much did Steve Jobs make off of the purchase?
Nothing, but I think he'll be OK.

How do I carry this portable device? Certainly there must be required accessories?
It requires no special carrying case. Just drop it in your purse, laptop bag, messenger bag, or shoulder backpack you've been rocking since high school and don't realize everyone's laughing at the fact you still carry one in your 40s (I don't care - I love mine!).

What's the charge/standby time?
Believe it or not, this device requires no charging. It has a virtually indefinite standby time, other than the natural breakdown of organic materials (I don't know, 200 years?).


I like to consider myself green. How do I properly dispose of this device after I'm done reading it?
You can store it on a shelf for repeated readings. You can pass it along to a friend. You can share it with your local library (INSIDER TIP: Other devices just like The Book of Right and Wrong are available for lending at local libraries for FREE!). It's made of 100% recyclable materials, so you can always recycle it, too.

What's the book about?
Excuse me? We don't talk about content on tech blogs, we talk about devices. But I'm sure it's quite good. The title rocks! Better than "iPad".

Who the hell is Matt Debenham?
Matt is an "author". It means he created the content found in this device. He's also my twitter friend (@debenham) and I felt why choose any old book for this tech post when I can do someone who is very kind a solid.

That's a snazzy pic on the back of the book. Is it you?

No. Even though devices like iPods can be personalized, the picture on the back of the book is usually the author, as it is in this case. To date, it's the only known public picture of the author (see @debenham on Twitter).

What about eyestrain?
I've heard for some people, electronic devices can cause eyestrain or contribute to headaches over time. Though often that may be a side effect of the content itself, the printed-on-paper pages are quite easy to read and cause very little eyestrain.

OK, it can't be all good. What are the cons?
Unless it's a compendium of several books, it can only hold the content of one book at a time. Luckily, that's the way I prefer to read.


How do you read it at night?
It does require assistance. I recommend by incandescent light, or by candle. Though, honestly, reading at night is like a sleep aid to me. I get through about three pages before I'm sawing logs.

How do you post comments after reading?
I prefer in the margins. Or by email to the publisher. Or by driving all night to the author's house, thinking at the time and after several beers that it was a good idea, and because we connected when I read it, it would instantly transpire into a friendship. I don't recommend that approach. It doesn't work with celebrities either. [Note to anyone who appreciates their privacy: tweeting or posting your location on Facebook, especially exact coordinates with a date/time stamp and a handy pop-up Google map, may not be the brightest move.]

Why don't you write a book?
Excellent question! Perhaps I should.

Any closing words?
iPad SchmiPad. Just had to be said. [Doesn't mean I don't still want one. Badly.]

Why Shorties Got Game

Living in a society where someone who is considered tall -- an artificial, subjective measurement -- can be offered unmerited authority or respect, it's good to remember the qualities of people who aren't awarded the same consideration simply due to the genetic wheel of fortune. That's right. I'm a shorty.

Height is out of everyone's control. As a shorter man, I do not consider myself vertically challenged. I simply am where I am: a bumpit over 5' 5". In relation to other men, I am not the shortest but I am certainly not considered tall.

In the perspective of women, I am taller than the average woman but well below the prerequisite in the list of artificial standards, a list followed by 75% of women, that also includes income requirements and maximum weight. Income is often replaced by potential income, and weight can fluctuate, though usually in one direction. Either of those parameters can even be a project for those who like to "fix" people. Height simply is.

But I've had successful relationships with taller women who threw that list out and aren't bothered by height. And I'm in one now. :-D

Short men don't all have Napoleonic complexes, or feel a need to adjust height artificially with wedges, black magic or carnival tricks ("I make these stilts look good!"). And here's the most important thing to remember: in bed, it just doesn't matter. There are many other compatibilities to be considered before you hit the sack.

When considering a partner, I advise you to base your criteria on character, personality, kindness and chemistry.

Here are some other pluses you may not have considered for the shorties:

Shorter folks fit in nearly any bed and don't demand so much slumbering real estate. A queen for two is palatial.

We enjoy a lower center of gravity. Yep, that means outstanding balance. You want a gymnast? You need a shorty. A battle between Jackie Chan and Steven Seagal? Please. No contest. Sheriff Pusser wouldn't be hard to kill for the Drunken Master.

Do you like to slow dance, even it's only at a wedding every four years, after he's had enough liquor to get on the floor but not too much where you have to carry him? There's no neck strain or tingly arms from all the blood running to your navel like there is after draping your arms over Yao Ming.

We don't have to duck for trees, stop signs, ceiling fans...

We don't knock down the elderly or step over children as we rush to grab an exit row or aisle seat on a Southwest flight. We can sit anywhere - we just like to dangle our feet in the exit row because we know how much it pisses off the procrastinating stretchy people.

And the funniest person (living) on this planet: Tina Fey (5' 4½"). Yes, just like a pre-teen quoting her age, we do cherish the fraction!

So give it up for the shorties. We do got a reason to live. [Author's note: Yes, I finally forgave Randy Newman for that ditty when he busted out the Monk theme.]

So Where the Hell Have I Been Lately?

I am a man of many interests. I play guitar, watch lots of television, read (need to do this much more), study improv techniques to help with the stage fright and the writing (signed up for BIG's advanced course this spring), manage a fantasy sports team (baseball starts next week!), and connect with people - I've been doing that since I could walk. But writing tops them all: scripts, blogs, tweets, songs, and even technical documents and business rules at work.

I hear rumblings that blogs are passé; that they are losing steam. That's like saying newspapers are dead. Wait a minute. Delivering yesterday's news tomorrow may be outdated, but journalism and credibility are not. It's just harder to find. Delivery methods of newsprint and door-to-door delivery is nostalgic but inefficient. And anyone can write information on the internet. It's up to us to find reliable sources.

And I am not a journalist. I don't pretend to be. My blog is observational: my personal observations and opinions. However, I do actual research when dissecting a topic. And, no, not just with Wikipedia, though it is a fountain of information.

For the past few months I have not been giving my blog it's due attention. Honestly, I've been microblogging on Twitter and I can't stop. The content boundary is 140 characters: I can make someone laugh in that space. Repeatedly. Every day. It's like a sitdown comedy club with no cover charge and no audition. To be accepted as a comic and as someone funny it takes time, good judgment and patience - but it's well worth the reward.

I write jokes for free. Every single day. Some day I'll make a living at it, but I'm not concerned about cash flow on Twitter. Getting a warm reaction and retweets (appreciation shown by others through reposting your tweet) is very rewarding. And it hones my craft.

I enjoy Facebook, but there are essentially no limits to the length or variety of posts there (for me or others). I pop in to check out statuses of friends and family, drop some comments and hellos, and bolt before three days pass and I haven't showered or eaten because I can't stop the tangent/URL hopping. Luckily I don't play Farmville or Mafia Wars; otherwise I'd never see the sun again.

My blog posts are not diary entries of personal quests, rehashings of someone else's information, or mini snippets of opinion about what happened on The View yesterday - which would be: someone made me laugh; as much as I hate to admit it, I love Barbara Walters; and Elizabeth's credentials of reality show alumnus (Survivor) must remain top of mind (AKA consider the source).

On Twitter, I converse with some fabulous people. I have even made some real friends. I consider these relationships just as authentic as with classmates and coworkers. In school and at work, we share only what we want to share with our friends. Many know a little; those we trust and like know more. The same is true on the web. You learn over time who is genuine, who is casual, who is just marketing, and who you need to keep at arm's length or blocked entirely.

Those who know me personally know that I speak my mind always, giving respect where its due, and enjoy taking on Big Brother, bullies, misogynists, idiots and assholes. I don't enjoy confrontation, but I detest oppression, ignorance and what I view as wrong even more. Writing allows me to speak honestly and to be heard because I believe I have something to say. If people disagree, I welcome a dialogue. If people hate me, I welcome them to stop listening. It doesn't mean I'll stop speaking.

But I am not giving up my blog. I love to share observations that are thought out, and worth sharing, that are much longer than 140 characters. And more than anything, I love to make people laugh.

I really will try to post more. I now have a fabulous home office - my girlfriend Barb and I finally created a space we both needed and now love!

For those who just aren't into the Twitter thing, I understand. I do think there's some good content you're missing (and I don't just mean mine).

Actually, I think there's a lot of good content we're all missing. The timeline on Twitter is where you see the tweets from accounts you follow. One reality is this timeline is in constant motion. The more people you follow, the faster the information flows. I would guesstimate a large percentage of what I tweet is actually missed, unless someone consciously goes back to review past tweets. Or if they're really skilled with a third-party tool managing the information they want to see. Archiving what you write also requires some third-party intervention. Otherwise, it's lost to the ether of the twittersphere.

On Twitter, I'm GCGeek. If you haven't checked out Twitter, I encourage you to give it a try. And look me up!

And please let me know what you're thinking about this or any other post. Suggest topics you'd like covered on Do I Amuse You? And let me know who you are on Twitter.

Since I've been gone for so long, the least I can do is offer a sampling of some of my favorite tweets from the past few weeks. I hope you like them! [You'll notice a few "hashtags" - words without spaces marked with a # sign. These serve as search tags as well as subject classifiers and sometimes punchlines.]

During the various Snowmageddon/Blizzaster Events:
Even in a blizzard, saying "What happened to global warming?" is like Warren Buffett looking at his checkbook and saying "What recession?"

I'm not a journalist-until I stick a mic in my hand, point a camera at my face, and start talking about what's happening in the background.

From Valentine's Day:
Dear God. When praying for a few extra inches by Valentine's Day, perhaps I should have been more specific. @SnowMyGoodness

Tell you what: Don't expect me to find the perfect romantic gift and I won't expect you to find the right car parts. #NotAFanOfVD

IMO dating is the process of finding a partner. I don't ask my boss to interview me each year to remind her why she hired me. #NotAFanOfVD

Live during the Grammys:
I like Green Day but they remixed their old songs. And Billy Joe fixed his teeth and thanked his kids. I bet he drives a Buick too. #Grammys

Taylor's accepting a Grammy. You know Jay-Z's got his foot on Kanye's throat right now. #Grammys

Live during the Oscars:
And the award for most sanctimonious introduction and feigned humility goes to...

Wow. Seems all the big stars are sporting beards these days: Keanu, Jake, Tom. They all have facial hair, too.

Playing DJ:
Heart – City's Burning. From Private Audition. One of my favorite guitar songs to play. Ever! ♫

And Random tweets:
If you do what's right and are kind to others, it doesn't matter which God you're pleasing. At least in my book.

My spam is really stepping it up. They went from "Want to make it huge?" to "giant". Who do they think I'm dating, the fifty-foot woman?

Dear Chammps: Thanks for charging $6.09 for pint drafts of Sam Adams. Golden taps or does this pay for that stupid extra "M"?

If a tree falls in the woods on Pat Robertson, and no one's there to hear him make a sound, is it still wrong for me to smile?

[In reply to @Caissie] Al Roker: weatherman, novelist, hard-core rapper. Once he does a season of the View he can retire as the most unqualified everyman.

It's March Madness, where I just toss out state names to be part of the conversation. Freaking Kansas, you know? And Cal? Whew! #IHaveNoClue

I just paid $80 for a spare MacBook power cord. 80. Freakin. $. I wonder if Steve Jobs paid three-times-a-reasonable-MSRP for his liver?

1) When your girlfriend says "pick up a bottle of wine on your way home", you just do it. No questions asked and definitely no whining.
2) And if you're Jesse James, "Don't bang anyone on the way home." You wouldn't think you'd have to say it, but you know men.

I hate when a sweater rides and the elastic at the bottom produces a faux bump. Like that extra crotch popper fold in every pair of Levi's.

Note to self: "YTF you hatin on me?" is not an appropriate response to my performance appraisal. Even in a recession and shit.

My coffee is either too weak (used < recommended scoops) or too strong (judging by color). Until I taste, it is both: Schrödinger's Coffee

A journey of 11 steps starts with a shower. Good morning, friends.

Despite retirement my dad has been teaching for 50 years. His advice on my writing: Just keep at it & if it's meant to be it will happen.

♬ Bus stop, bus go, she stays love grows. Under my umbrella. ♬ That made it to #5 on the UK charts, and I can't write a hit song?

REO Speedwagon, Pat Benatar & Night Ranger at B'more's Pier Six Pavilion Sept 4! Better find my Members Only jacket, cargo pants and hair.

Steve Wilkos looks just like Cal Ripken...without the integrity.

I'm no longer calling myself a non-practicing Catholic. You don't need practice at judgment or guilt.

Perhaps adding VP to my title will remove the invisible mute button that seems perpetually stuck when I speak to higher-ups. #CorporateLife

When you get that close to my car's ass with your little sporty self-indulgent feat of German engineering, all I can say is Dousche!

What every phone really needs: True Caller ID

I can't live without my Caller ID. It's been around since the late 80s, and I won't bore you with the patents, rollout or history. That's what wikipedia is for. But here's the thing it doesn't tell you: who is actually on the other line. It only tells you where the call is coming from.

No, a killer iPhone app will identify who's actually holding the phone: it's not Steve, it's Steve's mom, who's using Steve's phone because she forgot to charge hers, and Steve is driving and wanted to know what time the show starts. With this app you would know not to say something stupid, like:

"Douche! I told you she was gonna leave you with something after that party. How many times has your mother said, wrap that rascal? What do they treat gonorrhea with these days anyway, ass-wipe? OxiClean?"

"Hellllloooo. Steve?"

How many times have you answered the phone with false confidence, thinking it was who the Caller ID told you it was?

Honestly, after years of old-world-phone-usage conditioning, sometimes I still answer the phone with the anticipatory and upward inflecting "Hello?", where we both pretend I didn't know who was calling. Old habits really do die hard.

But I want this app to do more than use thumbprint analysis, retinal scans and DNA matching. I also want it to tell me if it's calling me with speakerphone on, and who else is in the room.

In fact, it shouldn't just be iPhones. It should be all phones. Especially the extensions at work, which don't tell you your boss, her boss, the VP of Marketing, the EVP of Finance, the CEO, two board members, and three potential clients are sitting next to Chris when she calls you with a question. And she still owes you $10 for the football pool. Then you won't say things like:

"Bitch! Where's my money?! I'm beginning to think you're cheaper than a three-dollar ho, or Jenkins. Man, you'd think a man who makes 400 large would spring for lunch just once. Damn, I even got to pay for his sodas in the cafeteria. Never has 'change'. Probably all tied up in lawyers after we dodged that last SEC investigation. Man, we did more shredding 'round here than Tony Hawk. So whatcha need?"

Come on, geek nation! Before you give us another GPS-potty plotter, hook us up with something we really need on our phones.