Buzz Kill: Death to the Buzz Words

After having some fun with this on Twitter (#AntiBuzzWords), I decided to compile and expand it into a blog. I, like many other people, detest buzz words. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery? Maybe if you're trying to impress your boss, or your boss's boss, but the rampant overuse of these words drives me crazy. And they're often used in place of any real thought or communication. I'm guilty of it too, but we have to break the cycle and start using real conversation again.

Here are my top 8 worst corporate buzz words...

• Empowerment - Yes, leaving me out on a limb to figure this shit out for myself is quite empowering. And when did management begin to think task delegation is akin to knighthood?

• Proactive - let's anticipate and react before the crisis. Who am I, Kreskin? And that would be preactive, Einsteins.

• Bandwidth - how much bandwidth do you have? I'm not a freaking modem, I'm a human being! I can't multithread or multitask, or bend the space-time continuum. I'm busy!

• Metrics - I need the metrics by COB. You mean measurements? Seriously? Let's cut to the chase - you mean you need a bunch of numbers, and you're not really a math whiz, and you're just going to pass them to someone else, who also isn't a math whiz, so how about skipping the metrics and we start speaking English. What do you really want to know?
  

• Synergy - combined interactions among different departments and employees to achieve a desirable outcome. Great idea. But first, we just need to fire all the assholes, discourage politics and competition, and set up a healthy environment where employees actually could collaborate with employees at all levels instead of stew in total isolation in their cubes.

• Holistic - It really means looking at things as a whole system instead of its individual parts (*cringe* "staying out of the weeds"), but it's often implied as looking at a project or issue from multiple perspectives. I love that concept, but let's face it. Most business people are one-dimensional. You know what? You're wholistic. And the only thing you can make out at 50,000 feet is a land mass, and certainly not my house.

• Think Outside the Box - Just as clever as "color outside the lines". Excuse me. What do you call the 4 x 4 x 4 x 4 cloth-walled workspace you stuck me and the other lemmings in? A cube? It's a fucking box. Let me out and I'll start to think again.

• At the End of the Day - the most overused phrase in any office. At the end of the day, we're just making widgets. Really? Waxing poetic? Bullshit. If you had an ounce of Zen in your body, you'd stop freaking over all the things out of our control, and you'd throw the TPS Reports and rest of the red tape in the recycling bin where it belongs.

And you know this wouldn't be any fun without creating our own phrases. I call them my anti-buzz words...

• Crater Effect - Impact? Crater effect! As in, how many tectonic plates will shift after the meteor shit storm if we choose to go with your strategy?

• At the End of the Meeting - Why wait until the end of the day when we can acknowledge right freaking now this project is doomed?

• Devaluation - A pre-biased assessment of a proposal you know you hate before you even read it. Yay. Ernie's got another idea. Can't wait to devaluate it, big guy! Or, a performance review given by an unpleasable boss who loathes you. Did you get your devaluation yet? Me either.
  

• Spynergy - Who needs the truth when you have a full marketing department at your disposal? (And bonus word: spynergistic - something especially spin-worthy.)

• Factionable - I understand it doesn't meet the timeline, but what if we add more resources? Is it factionable?
  

• Inanonymous - Total absurdity with complete deniability and zero accountability.

• Schemeless - A totally undetectable plan, or even plan for a plan.
  

• Preactive - I'd like you to be able to react before whatever "it" is happens, or I'll undoubtedly blame you for not foreseeing "it."

• Best of Greed - The corporate bible of executive practices.

Your input is valuable. I empower you to share in the comments! Though we're missing face time, it's good to touch base through your BB. Shift your paradigm. Streamline your takeaways and join us in this sea change of diverse contingency planning, and circle back for some low-hanging fruit and a mindshare. It really can be a win-win.

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Ortho Home Defense Against Mice Is Overkill

I'm not sure if you've seen the TV commercial for the Ortho Home Defense Max Kill & Contain (TM) Mouse Trap, but I've got a few issues with it.

First of all, "Max Kill"? Dead is dead. No maximum kill is necessary. Honestly, it doesn't even make sense. A minimum kill is still a kill. I'm sure there's a marketing axiom behind the name, just like there must be one behind using a nine-word product title.

I understand that rodents can bring germs into your house and leave droppings. So do your neighbor's kids. I hope you wouldn't dispose of them.

The video for this product on Ortho's web site opens with "learn. do. enjoy." Enjoy? Domestic blood lust? I don't think so.

Don't just take my word for it. Check it out for yourself: Ortho "Instructional" video.

I'm sure you'll be happy to know it's safe around pets, the cute animals in your home you don't feel like killing today.

The TV commercial is especially callous. A happy couple sets a trap, then later tosses it away in the trash, smiling and without a second thought. Come on. You just killed a little field mouse. You don't feel anything?

And that's my problem with this campaign. Preventing disease, I understand. Getting unwelcome house guests out of your home, I totally understand. But killing without remorse, and with enjoyment? It's too much for a marketing campaign, and insulting. Especially when there are kinder alternatives, where you don't have to touch the animal.

I had a roommate a few years ago who kept our kitchen's pantry stocked like a feed silo. One winter, with lots of nearby construction activity, we had a mouse.

I learned of this the first time in the bathroom, when he shot out from the corner and I shot up in the air, screaming like a 1950s housewife straight out of Looney Toons. I didn't actually grab my hem or pearls as I leaped up onto the toilet, but that's only because I was clutching air...and I'm a man. But I'm sure I hit a high C. I was startled, OK?

But I learned a lot from this experience. Mice run along the walls. And they're freaking fast. They're also cute as hell.

I decided I wasn't going to set a classic trap, the French Revolution-inspired guillotine-type that snaps - it's disgusting and cruel. Plus I'm anxious around helium balloons, afraid they may pop. Mouse traps set me into hyper-freak.

I wasn't going to use a slow-death trap with glue. And I wasn't poisoning anything. So I decided to go the live trap route. I found a site online called Havahart that specializes in live traps. I also found out they had local retailers.

I love animals, but I didn't want this guy living in my home, especially while I tried to sleep. So I went to the local hardware store and bought the smallest trap they had, the model #1025. Which I learned, after feeding the mouse for several days and not catching him, was meant for squirrels or raccoons. So I went online and ordered a smaller, more appropriate trap (model #1020 for mice), and had it shipped.

I used a ritz cracker with peanut butter and caught him the same day. I thought he might panic but he was quite calm. I read that if I just let him go outside, which I was tempted to do, he'd most likely find his way back, even from a distance. So I took Mortimer J. Mouse - yes, I named him - in his trap, and placed the trap in a shoebox, and then put him in the front seat of my car, and drove several miles to a park and ride that backed to acres of undeveloped land, not houses. And I let him go.

When I opened the trap, I thought he'd take off like a rocket. He had to be coaxed. He looked up at me, and then took off.


Yes, I thought a hawk would swoop down after my week of effort, but Mortimer was spared. At least for the night.

I didn't kill him. I solved my rodent problem. He didn't come back. And I was able to sleep again, for two reasons. No noises in the wall and no guilt for killing a cute little mouse that was simply looking for some food and some warmth.

Have a heart, Ortho.

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The United Hates of Duhmerica

Believe it or not, I welcome an opposing viewpoint. Even when I think I've got a solid idea of what might work, or what's best, hearing other perspectives can shift my thinking or perhaps solidify my position with even more confidence. I just prefer that it be an informed viewpoint. Repeating sound bytes and bullet points makes you sound...lazy. Dropping f-bombs and populist insults makes you sound angry and, quite frankly, moronic.

Instead of doing the research, assessing multiple viewpoints, and coming up with possible solutions, or even your own thought-out opinion, it's just easier to quote someone else, and in just a few words.

What really boils my blood is when someone jumps onto an issue to express poorly masked hatred. The recent "march" in Washington on September 12th is a perfect example. "Taking our country back" is offensive, threatening and ignorant language. Taking it back from whom? Ourselves? Perhaps a coup? You want to fix something? Get involved, and not just from your Facebook account.

Rallying against immigration? Step back a generation or two and many of us were immigrants. Step back a few more, with the exception of the true Native Americans, and all of us were, none of us invited, or worse, brought over against our will - not exactly a hallmark of freedom.

Listening to the interviews and anger that day just made me sad. Myopic, angry "Christians" who only see color, whether it be white vs. any other shade or red vs. blue, and actually seem giddy with the chance to express these views as if they're universally accepted or true, is disgusting. And until you have a sit-down with God on YouTube, I'd refrain from criticizing the spiritual beliefs of others that don't coincide with yours.

Giving lunatics a stage is probably the saddest of all. Not because they're not entitled to express their opinions. Because they don't actually represent basic American thinking: left, center or right. I don't believe Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, or Jebediah Moran Clampett reflect the majority of Republican thinking. So how about some intelligent articulation by someone who does?

When I face a new issue at work (in management-speak an "opportunity"), we don't come up with two diametrically opposing views and see who wins. We also don't craft an 1100-page solution, filled with ridiculous, unrelated caveats. And we don't ask this first: "Whose idea is this?" We look at the issue from multiple perspectives, identify various scenarios, weigh the pros and cons, and then put an action in place. I'd like to see more of this in our own US government.

When someone makes the statement: "I don't want the government running health care," there can be many valid reasons behind that statement. But I rarely hear what they are, or what we should do instead. Personally, I don't want to leave it to insurance companies, because I don't believe they have the patient first; they can't, they're profit-based. And I don't want to hand it over entirely to the federal government, but state-run oversight with our current insurance-based anarchy has its own problems. Centralized coordination, with protections and oversight, may actually save lots of money, and lives, in the long run.

Imagine for a moment if water was not considered a bare necessity or utility. Delivering water to your home for sustenance, plumbing and bathing is now in a competitive environment where the local provider can charge you whatever they want in an unregulated free market. That would suck.

I don't want everything "government-controlled", but where do you draw the line? That's usually the issue. It's easy to say no involvement. But everyone wants some involvement. Otherwise, we'd all be responsible for fixing our own roads, building our own bridges, removing dead deer from the highways, putting out wildfires, ensuring whatever is poured into our rivers, lakes, streams, oceans and skies is to an acceptable limit that doesn't kill us... I could go on and on and on.

And I believe it would be very hard for any of us to personally deny another human being from care that they need, especially a child, whether they're currently employed, covered, or even a citizen.

Saying we aren't "socialist" doesn't solve anything either. It just tosses around labels and imagery and more misunderstanding. Ensuring all of us have the necessities (food, air, water, shelter, health care, educational opportunities, the abilitiy to compete fairly, protection from enemies, including ourselves, free speech), and that no small, unrepresentative, non-philanthropic sector has too much wealth/power/control, would be OK with me - no matter what you call it.

The purpose of government, and all of the agencies and departments, is to manage the infrastructure, whether local, national or global. And you need organization around those tasks or you end up with chaos.

I could drop f-bombs and insults all day. That's not going to solve anything, and just divide us further. I used to wonder how the hell we ever got into a civil war, where we actually took up arms against each other. I don't wonder anymore. Now I just hope we find a way to address the roots of our anger and find a way to live and work together again.

And remember, when you criticize "the government," which you have every right to do, be specific and conscious of the fact you're criticizing your neighbors and fellow citizens. Teachers, police officers, EMTs, firefighters and our military are all part of "the government." People who bring you your mail, who make sure there's clean water making it to your house, and who ensure, even in a free market, you aren't being taken entirely advantage of in the name of "fair trade."

So stick to your values, and your opinions, but try to listen to the other sides (there are always more than two), get involved, and stop the hating. It's a waste of your energy and solves nothing. Stress too much and you'll end up in the hospital. I just hope you have good coverage.

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The New Fall Season - The Ultimate TV Spreadsheet

To put it politely, I'm a detailed-oriented individual. I enjoy organizing information and love my spreadsheets. I also have a thing about linear thinking: Beginning, Middle, End. I start a book on page 1 and finish at "The End." I don't skip ahead. I don't read chapters out of order.

When I watch a movie, I start from the beginning or don't watch at all. And when I watch television -- and that's all the time -- I prefer to follow the order of every series from episode 1 to the end. For most sitcoms, this isn't necessary and I will break that pattern, especially for fun shows in syndication. But for dramas, there are story arcs, evolution of characters, show history/mythology references and call-backs, etc. The episodes are meant to be watched in order.

Anyhoo, my obsession is your gain. I create a TV spreadsheet every fall, based loosely on a spreadsheet provided to me many years ago by my friend Steve, who also enjoys watching lots of TV.

If you'd like to use it for yourself, or are curious about peeking into the mind of a slightly OCD neurotic like myself, before I get my own episode on A&E (or Syfy), go for it. You can download it from my MediaFire site here for free.

I've taken the time to put nearly every US primetime show (broadcast and cable), with their premiere dates, in this grid.

If you'd like an explanation of how I use it, please read on.

Starting with the first tab (of course) is Channels. This lists the networks referred to in the other grids, with a column for the standard definition channel and the high definition channel. It's pre-populated with the channels for my FiOS service in Howard County, Maryland. All you need to do with this tab is update the blue channel numbers according to your local service, and your channel numbers will automatically appear on the seven individual daily tabs, which I'll explain in a minute.

The second tab is called ComingSoon. I find it quite handy. It's an alphabetical list of shows (also displaying network and approximate air date) that aren't back on yet, like 24 (1/17/2010), Scrubs (2010) and American Idol (January 2010), or haven't fracking debuted at all, like Caprica (1/22/2010).

The third tab is called Key. It's just a guide of the items I use to track shows on the seven daily tabs, the last part of our tour.

There's one tab for each day, but they all serve the same purpose. I've broken them out because I despise unnecessary scrolling, unless it's me pontificating in a blog. :-) I find them useful for tracking what's coming up, what I've recorded, what I've seen and missed, and what to catch up on in the reruns, on NetFlix or on DVD.

Let's start with Sunday, the first day of the week, at least according to my calendar. The rows are the TV shows. I provide the title, network, channel (HD for nearly all), start time and stop time.

The columns are the dates. "Off" means it's pre-season. A green block with "HD" in white letters means a new episode is coming up and I want to tape it/watch it. I used to use "SD" for shows that weren't in high definition. Most are now, and gosh, that's really anal, isn't it? If the letters are in red I missed it. If it's a checkmark I've seen it. If it's "---", there was no new episode that night.

The other six tabs work exactly the same way.

These are new sheets for anyone to use. The premiere dates have the first HD block in them. They're accurate to the best of my knowledge.

This should be obvious, but simply delete the rows of the shows you don't care to follow. And, no, I don't watch all of these.

I hope it serves a useful purpose for you, even if it's just the Coming Soon portion.

Perhaps it's all Willie Wonka's fault. If Mike Teavee had a different first name, and wasn't also a cowboy, maybe I would have read more.

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What every phone really needs: True Caller ID

I can't live without my Caller ID. It's been around since the late 80s, and I won't bore you with the patents, rollout or history. That's what wikipedia is for. But here's the thing it doesn't tell you: who is actually on the other line. It only tells you where the call is coming from.

No, a killer iPhone app will identify who's actually holding the phone: it's not Steve, it's Steve's mom, who's using Steve's phone because she forgot to charge hers, and Steve is driving and wanted to know what time the show starts. With this app you would know not to say something stupid, like:

"Douche! I told you she was gonna leave you with something after that party. How many times has your mother said, wrap that rascal? What do they treat gonorrhea with these days anyway, ass-wipe? OxiClean?"

"Hellllloooo. Steve?"

How many times have you answered the phone with false confidence, thinking it was who the Caller ID told you it was?

Honestly, after years of old-world-phone-usage conditioning, sometimes I still answer the phone with the anticipatory and upward inflecting "Hello?", where we both pretend I didn't know who was calling. Old habits really do die hard.

But I want this app to do more than use thumbprint analysis, retinal scans and DNA matching. I also want it to tell me if it's calling me with speakerphone on, and who else is in the room.

In fact, it shouldn't just be iPhones. It should be all phones. Especially the extensions at work, which don't tell you your boss, her boss, the VP of Marketing, the EVP of Finance, the CEO, two board members, and three potential clients are sitting next to Chris when she calls you with a question. And she still owes you $10 for the football pool. Then you won't say things like:

"Bitch! Where's my money?! I'm beginning to think you're cheaper than a three-dollar ho, or Jenkins. Man, you'd think a man who makes 400 large would spring for lunch just once. Damn, I even got to pay for his sodas in the cafeteria. Never has 'change'. Probably all tied up in lawyers after we dodged that last SEC investigation. Man, we did more shredding 'round here than Tony Hawk. So whatcha need?"

Come on, geek nation! Before you give us another GPS-potty plotter, hook us up with something we really need on our phones.

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Facebook Apps: Caveat Lector!

There is a lot of buzz around this topic, so I won't add unnecessary detail. But I will offer a funny anecdote.

For those into Facebook, especially those who are bored and enjoy being offered silly activities to pass the time, change your Facebook settings. Instructions are in an article here by Lee Mathews.

You see, every time you take a quiz, offer a virtual lemon meringue pie, or ask others to join a cause like Save the meerkats from religious persecution, you use a third-party application - one that's written outside of Facebook. And when you click Yes after they ask for access to your account, they get access to everything, including your friend list and photos.

The original blog post that brought this issue to light was written by Cheryl Smith, whose picture was used in a Hot Singles ad, that popped up on her husband's Facebook page. She wasn't stepping out and he wasn't looking. You can read her blog here.

I learned of this (third-party) Facebook issue after my sister got a Hot Singles ad with my picture in it. Besides the obvious gross out factor, she did what most people would do: she posted a comment on her Facebook status, which brought everyone into the joke - kind of like getting pantsed again in front of my dorm (true story). Anyway, it was quite funny, and equally creepy.

Note to self: post this kind of stuff for the world next time and maybe you'll finally get that blog traffic you've always wanted.

Caveat Lector! (May the reader beware!)

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