Saturday, June 07, 2014

Previously on Twitter - May 2014

I wanted to try something new. I love Twitter simply for the clearinghouse it offers my brain for jokes, especially the ones I'm not using in a script. But tweeting a joke is like pouring a Dixie cup of water into the Atlantic. They still make Dixie cups, right? I'm tossing 140 characters or less into a stream of millions of other tweets posting at the same time. So I decided to go fishing in my own Twitter stream (apologies), and paste some of those jokes here. With Twitter's embed feature, they look prettier than a copy/paste. And because they're embedded, I'll stick to a monthly post so it doesn't take too much time to load. Enjoy!


On the Serious Side

From @midnight's Hashtag Game

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Blogtrasound - Where's my prize?

My Google search for "blogtrasound" turned up no pages. What do I win?


These days it's nearly impossible to come up with something original that hasn't been written before.

I hear if you get a million views on YouTube you make mad cash. What do you get for empty Google searches?

Of course, now that I've written a blog about my crazy, meaningless, man-was-I-bored search, this moment in time is over. Blogtrasound will point to one page. This one.

The victory is empty, but it is mine. Almost sounds poetic.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

The Adult-Couples-Who-Aren't-Married Label Conundrum

I am in a wonderful, committed relationship with a woman named Barbara. When I introduce this woman I love, I say "And this is Barb, my girlfriend."

Girlfriend. I'll be 50 in September.

I'm not necessarily a fan of labels, but I'm an analyst by trade. Quantification, patterns and labels come with the territory. As does obsessing over minute details and trivia. And something about the label "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" just doesn't sound right.

In the grand scheme of things, this labeling conundrum falls in between:
  • If I'm really environmentally conscious, why don't I drive a Hybrid? and
  • What is the appropriate second age (preschool being the first) when it's OK to wear shorts and a shirt of the same material again?
 But what's the alternative?
  • My lady - Hello, 1972. Oh, how I've missed you.
  • My woman - Stated like a true man proud of all his possessions, including his '86 Camaro.
  • My partner - Too confusing. Yes, I'm a gay-rights activist. No, we aren't a law firm.
  • My companion - I'm not 87 and she's not for hire.
  • My steady - Hello, 1955. I wish I still had my letterman jacket. If A/V had a Varsity Club.
  • My wife - We're not married. Yes, we'd love to talk with you, someone we've just met, about our personal decision of why, if ever or when.
  • My common-law wife - I haven't checked the Annotated Code of Maryland recently to see if we qualify. If we do, can we share a health benefit plan? And we're not starring in our own reality series on TLC. Yet.
  • My soul mate - Because that doesn't get old at parties when meeting couples who obviously aren't.
  • My friend - Nothing screams non-committal more than this one. It also implies a hidden relationship. "This is... my friend, Barbara."
  • My best friend - Absolutely true but doesn't highlight the romance. I also don't rank my friends. Believe me, I have at least eight best friends. Wouldn't it be fun to do, though? "This is Steve. He's in the Top 10. Oh, that's Dave. He was at three for decades. But then he wouldn't stop quoting FoxNews. He's been climbing up from eight since the election."
  • My confidante - Maybe if I'm sharing my secrets by candlelight with my ghostwriter, in the Renaissance era.
  • My main squeeze - Seriously? Maybe if I was a C.I. for Starsky & Hutch.
  • My shorty - Sounds hilarious coming from me. She's taller. 
  • My schmoopie, cuddle muffin, precious - Not enough Tagamet to even finish this one.
So unless someone comes up with a better alternative, I'm going to stick with girlfriend. Just know when I use "my" it means "in relation to me" not "possession". And she is my soul mate.