Wednesday, July 04, 2007

20 Random Words (Obvious Filler)

Nothing riveting this week. I found an exercise in a comedy writing book aptly titled "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Comedy Writing" by James Mendrinos. Find 20 nouns in a magazine and write something funny about each. I started this a while ago and keep changing them. It ain't Letterman's Top 10, but there are twice as many and it's certainly fun to do. Hope you like 'em!

  • membership - cliques you pay to join
  • jeep - most reliable vehicle made by the government made unreliable by Chrysler. Four wheels, steel cage, rough ride, canvas doors and plastic windows - hasn't changed in 50 years. How do you f' that up?
  • brakes - something we use to let other drivers know we don't like being tailgated - genius strategy, eh?
  • drafting - something we do to let other drivers know they're not moving fast enough - come on!
  • cell phone - I'm still amazed that's what we (Americans) call mobile phones - we didn't call the old one a trans-Atlantic-twisted-copper-wire-cable phone
  • beaches - (1) what I call my posse of women; (2) favorite movie I watch with the girls
  • dolphin - wish I could breathe through the top of my head; then it would be functional not to have hair there instead of just dead sexy
  • holiday - another reason to bitch, binge, gorge, wallow in singlehood and make fun of those who do celebrate (especially those in festive attire)
  • season - I love the change of seasons - that's what people who still have to suffer through winter say
  • flurry - looks like the real stuff but doesn't stick to the roads, yet still causes the same panic
  • stress - (1) a condition caused by work, family, friends, money or whenever your daughter says "Daddy, I need tell you something..."; (2) a condition experienced by the seams of anything worn by William Shatner
  • commute - fancy word for schlep
  • consumer - fancy word for glutton
  • market - fancy word for bidness
  • continental breakfast - really fancy term for free stale bagels and coffee that's turned to molasses by the time you get your lazy ass out of bed
  • HBO - high-brow soft porn (they call them documentaries)
  • Cinemax - low-brow soft porn (no pretending in the genre or titles, just in the actual sexual contact); the correct answer on the SATs would be: National Geographic is to Playboy as HBO is to Cinemax
  • wrangler - one step up in jeans from dungarees (AKA my old Sears toughskins)
  • SUV - vehicle for soccer moms who are too cool for minivans - here's a little secret: it's still a minivan and you're still not cool, just more dangerous with that weapon of mass demolition you're driving while popping your own meth cocktail to keep up with the Joneses
  • fuel economy - when I was a kid, cars got 12 miles to the gallon. When gasoline finally broke $1 per gallon (during the first gas crisis), the country went to Hell. We swore never again! Today gas is over $3 per gallon and SUVs get…never mind