Like every other stir-crazy homebody that has had enough of winter, I’m ecstatic that spring is finally here. Longer days, warmer weather, the return of life all around us; it’s a welcome time of year. Granted, I’m a whiner, so I’ll also complain about the misery of seasonal allergies and the return of the insect world –my windshield is already covered with those that were in this world less than the second season of Jake in Progress, Emily’s Reasons Why Not or Love Monkey.
Leaving the jacket in the closet is that little bonus I treasure. And spring attire looks great on paper, but in practice can be a disaster. This spring, please show consideration for everyone else before dressing by following these simple yet practical rules:
- Capri pants (no matter what label they’re given this season) only look good on women – trust me, you look ridiculous, dude. And if you could straighten the brim of your trucker hat parallel with your nose, or opposite exactly 180° (that's just plain backwards), I’d be ever so grateful.
- Topless lawn care can only be pulled off by 2% of the male population, and even they come off as narcissistic – are you in the top 2? We both know the answer to that, so keep your shirt on. Women? No real restrictions here – celebrate nature!
- If your thong looks like it’s splitting two giant hams, it’s definitely not kosher. For gentlemen, the Capri pants rule applies.
- Banana hammocks are meant for Olympic swimmers – and only at Olympic events held every 4 years in another host country; never the beach or neighborhood pool.
Your razor is your friend. Don’t be shy. If you can’t reach a spot, ask for help. Otherwise, cover it up. You’re scaring the children.
If we all follow these simple rules, everyone can enjoy the season (and keep our collective lunches down). Thank you!
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