Topless Beaches – Good Idea…on Paper

Before you go, there are some things you need to think about. Seriously. First, it’s everyday people, in all shapes and sizes, from the very young to the very old. You need to be ready for that. It isn’t going to be like a party at Hef’s mansion.

And honestly, gentlemen, it’s reality. Look at some of the horrors women have had to witness on beaches everywhere. A beer belly may provide an additional SPF of 15 as shade over that banana hammock, but no one wants to see that. And topless is merely an option for men; it’s not required. If you could use some 18-hour support yourself, at least grab a tank top.

Most likely you’ll be in Europe, which means you’re in for a variety of grooming practices. I’m not judging, just sharing an observation. There are plenty of shirtless men who could use some more care with a razor, or a full back-waxing, or at least a few more visits to the gym instead of just holding a membership.

If you’re American, experiencing public nudity sober and in actual daylight may be a huge deal your first time. Get your giggles out before you arrive and try to show some decorum once you get there. Mirror shades don't fool anyone. Consider who you're sunning with, too. This may sound obvious, but if you're in mixed company (your best friend and his wife, someone's sister, coworkers), you may want to save the visit to a nude or topless beach for another day. And try not to verbalize any disappointment when you realize super models don't hang out on topless beaches; and even if they did, they wouldn't be hanging with you.

And for you ladies, if this is the first time any part of your body is getting real exposure to the sun – be careful. Of course, be sure to apply the sunscreen generously, but I can’t stress this last point enough: apply it before you head to the beach. There is simply no harmless or inconspicuous way to apply lotion to your breasts in public – it will be on YouTube before you get back to your hotel. Have fun!