Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Things People Over 30 Just Shouldn’t Say

If you have to ask yourself “Can I pull this off?” or “Can I say still this?”, the answer is always a resounding “No.” Not only are these words not meant to be in your vocabulary, by the time you know them, they’re already retired.

Drop any of these into a conversation with kids and their facial expressions will confirm my hypothesis. Of course, once you have confirmation, it’s great fun to use these words with your kids, especially when their friends are around. The next time you have to pick up your teenage daughter from school early, have the office buzz her classroom: “Ms. Reynolds, please send Elizabeth down to the office. Her father is here to take her for her bedonkadonk reduction appointment with Doctor Bu-tay. Thank you.”

So here’s my list (and I expect it to grow with your input):
  • Oh snap
  • Adding –iz– or –shiz- to any syllable
  • Celly
  • Booty, Boo-tay, Bootylicious, Bootylectable, Bootrific
  • Bling, Blingy, Bling Bling
  • Cheddar
  • Bedonkadonk
  • (Unless it cradles a sleeping baby) Crib
  • Shorty
  • Props
  • Boo
  • Bangin’
  • Blunt
  • Grill
  • Hatin’ or Hatin’ On
  • No Diggity
  • Wha Wha?
  • I feel you
  • I feel you, dog
  • You feel me?
  • Text speak: IDK, BFF, BRB, TTYL, LOL, NFW, WTF, OMG, STFU
  • And unless you’re asking for bread in a Jewish deli, Holla and Hollah-back are off limits

And just because certain words were cool in your day doesn’t mean you have a license to use them with no expiration. I suggest retiring the following:

  • 1950s – cooties (haven’t they found a cure?), hopped up (on reefer no doubt), "Think fast!", neato, necking, pop a wheelie

  • 1960s – skuzz bucket, fink, fuzz, five-finger discount, far out, groovy, commie pinko

  • 1970s – foxy (stone cold or otherwise), “Good night, John-boy”, party hardy, harshing my mellow, boob tube, “Smooth move, ex-lax”, “Breaker-breaker 1-9, you got your ears on?”, narc

  • 1980s - tripindicular, grody (partially or to the max), heinous, radical, gnarly, tubular, bodacious

  • 1990s – fly, homey, beotch, phat, whassup, po po, shwing or sha-wing, talk to the hand, whack

  • And finally, things that our grandparents shouldn’t say (ever):

  • “S’up, bitches?!” when addressing their bridge group

  • Yeah, I totally hit that (in 1948)

  • It’s been four hours and that little blue pill just won’t wear off. Where’s your grandmother?

  • Has anyone seen my teeth? I thought I left them soaking in the Efferdent, but it might have been the soup…

  • Aw it’s just a little snow. Let me drive.

  • Feel free to add to the fun. AMF!


    Ariel said...

    Too funny. Thanks for this!

    Lulubelle B said...

    How 'bout gestures that should be banned?

    - thumbs up/thumbs down
    - air quotes
    - high five and all its variations
    - "L" for loser

    Mike said...

    Definitely! I have a whole rant on air quotes and the largest group gesture there is: the wave.

    Anonymous said...

    My 11 year old daughter and her friends use the word "chillax" (chill-out and relax). I decided to use the word one day and my daughter pleaded with me to never-ever-EVER say it again...

    Mike said...

    That's hilarious, Anonymous! There are a few I can't resist myself. I do use "chillax", as well as "absotively, posilutely" (after being annoyed by FedEx commercials), and "You're damn skippy" (ever since I heard Dwayne Wayne say it on A Different World).


    Iconic Xer. said...

    Props to my main man Mike for creating this list. Oops. I'm over 30 ... My bad. :-)

    Anonymous said...

    Sounds like you could use a vacay...

    Just another word that peeps like us probs shouldn't use ;)

    Anonymous said...


    Mike said...

    Totes. Just made my day :-).

    Anonymous said...

    Cra Cra