Saturday, April 17, 2010

Why Shorties Got Game

Living in a society where someone who is considered tall -- an artificial, subjective measurement -- can be offered unmerited authority or respect, it's good to remember the qualities of people who aren't awarded the same consideration simply due to the genetic wheel of fortune. That's right. I'm a shorty.

Height is out of everyone's control. As a shorter man, I do not consider myself vertically challenged. I simply am where I am: a bumpit over 5' 5". In relation to other men, I am not the shortest but I am certainly not considered tall.

In the perspective of women, I am taller than the average woman but well below the prerequisite in the list of artificial standards, a list followed by 75% of women, that also includes income requirements and maximum weight. Income is often replaced by potential income, and weight can fluctuate, though usually in one direction. Either of those parameters can even be a project for those who like to "fix" people. Height simply is.

But I've had successful relationships with taller women who threw that list out and aren't bothered by height. And I'm in one now. :-D

Short men don't all have Napoleonic complexes, or feel a need to adjust height artificially with wedges, black magic or carnival tricks ("I make these stilts look good!"). And here's the most important thing to remember: in bed, it just doesn't matter. There are many other compatibilities to be considered before you hit the sack.

When considering a partner, I advise you to base your criteria on character, personality, kindness and chemistry.

Here are some other pluses you may not have considered for the shorties:

Shorter folks fit in nearly any bed and don't demand so much slumbering real estate. A queen for two is palatial.

We enjoy a lower center of gravity. Yep, that means outstanding balance. You want a gymnast? You need a shorty. A battle between Jackie Chan and Steven Seagal? Please. No contest. Sheriff Pusser wouldn't be hard to kill for the Drunken Master.

Do you like to slow dance, even it's only at a wedding every four years, after he's had enough liquor to get on the floor but not too much where you have to carry him? There's no neck strain or tingly arms from all the blood running to your navel like there is after draping your arms over Yao Ming.

We don't have to duck for trees, stop signs, ceiling fans...

We don't knock down the elderly or step over children as we rush to grab an exit row or aisle seat on a Southwest flight. We can sit anywhere - we just like to dangle our feet in the exit row because we know how much it pisses off the procrastinating stretchy people.

And the funniest person (living) on this planet: Tina Fey (5' 4½"). Yes, just like a pre-teen quoting her age, we do cherish the fraction!

So give it up for the shorties. We do got a reason to live. [Author's note: Yes, I finally forgave Randy Newman for that ditty when he busted out the Monk theme.]


One Wink at a Time said...

Excellent observations, Mike.
I've been tall since the 7th grade (5'7") and hated that so many boys were not even eye-to-eye until later in school. I've dated less taller men than I have my own height or slightly less. I loved the sensation of being the short one but in the whole scheme of things, those few inches pale in comparison to things like humor, honesty, loyalty and compassion. My husband is the same height as I am, maybe half-an-inch shorter. He still takes up most of the bed : )

Mike said...

Love the comments, Linda! You are wise, and funny. Good point, too: people of any size can take over the bed, the blankets, the arm rests...

melaniet42 said...

Let's hear it for the shorties - woohoo!! I've found that being either on the tall end or on the short end makes it tougher to find clothes that fit "just right", but it sure is easier to take fabric away than to add it! Says the girl who is barely 5'1"... ;-)

One Wink at a Time said...

Interesting, Mike... I just noted at the end of your post, your labels.
You have both "humor" and the Canadian spelling as well. I'm very curious what qualifies as "humour" and not "humor" of if you just consistently use both labels.
I guess it's good to cover all your bases, then ; )
(in case it's not obvious, I'm teasing you)

Mike said...

Hi Melanie! Finding clothes that fit for any size is a problem all it's own. But I do always err on the side of more fabric :-) Linda: I do like to drop both spellings as a tag just so my Canadian/UK friends randomly searching for "humour" come to the right place. ;-) Thank you both for taking the time to comment!

Erik Deckers said...

Tina Fey is only 5'4"? No way! I always figured she was rather tall, 5'7" at least. Huh.

Oh well, she's still my favorite comedy writer.

Mike said...

LOL, Erik! Touché ;-)

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