Why Shorties Got Game

Living in a society where someone who is considered tall -- an artificial, subjective measurement -- can be offered unmerited authority or respect, it's good to remember the qualities of people who aren't awarded the same consideration simply due to the genetic wheel of fortune. That's right. I'm a shorty.

Height is out of everyone's control. As a shorter man, I do not consider myself vertically challenged. I simply am where I am: a bumpit over 5' 5". In relation to other men, I am not the shortest but I am certainly not considered tall.

In the perspective of women, I am taller than the average woman but well below the prerequisite in the list of artificial standards, a list followed by 75% of women, that also includes income requirements and maximum weight. Income is often replaced by potential income, and weight can fluctuate, though usually in one direction. Either of those parameters can even be a project for those who like to "fix" people. Height simply is.

But I've had successful relationships with taller women who threw that list out and aren't bothered by height. And I'm in one now. :-D

Short men don't all have Napoleonic complexes, or feel a need to adjust height artificially with wedges, black magic or carnival tricks ("I make these stilts look good!"). And here's the most important thing to remember: in bed, it just doesn't matter. There are many other compatibilities to be considered before you hit the sack.

When considering a partner, I advise you to base your criteria on character, personality, kindness and chemistry.

Here are some other pluses you may not have considered for the shorties:

Shorter folks fit in nearly any bed and don't demand so much slumbering real estate. A queen for two is palatial.

We enjoy a lower center of gravity. Yep, that means outstanding balance. You want a gymnast? You need a shorty. A battle between Jackie Chan and Steven Seagal? Please. No contest. Sheriff Pusser wouldn't be hard to kill for the Drunken Master.

Do you like to slow dance, even it's only at a wedding every four years, after he's had enough liquor to get on the floor but not too much where you have to carry him? There's no neck strain or tingly arms from all the blood running to your navel like there is after draping your arms over Yao Ming.

We don't have to duck for trees, stop signs, ceiling fans...

We don't knock down the elderly or step over children as we rush to grab an exit row or aisle seat on a Southwest flight. We can sit anywhere - we just like to dangle our feet in the exit row because we know how much it pisses off the procrastinating stretchy people.

And the funniest person (living) on this planet: Tina Fey (5' 4½"). Yes, just like a pre-teen quoting her age, we do cherish the fraction!

So give it up for the shorties. We do got a reason to live. [Author's note: Yes, I finally forgave Randy Newman for that ditty when he busted out the Monk theme.]

Blogs on your eReader: Convenient? Yes! Available? Maybe. Free? No.

A good friend of mine and regular reader here, Diane, made a simple request: "Can I subscribe to your blog on my Kindle?" Of course, I said "Yes!" It's been something I've been wanting to do and there's no excuse to delay it any further.

So I went to Amazon and signed on as a publisher. I gave them all my info and it's published! And it will cost you $1.99/month. Excuse me? I'm not looking for income, I'm looking for readers. And I'm certainly not looking to charge those who have been so kind and loyal.

From Amazon's Kindle Publishing for Blogs Overview:

Can I set the price for my blog?

No. Amazon will define the price based on what we deem is a fair value for customers.

Can I make my blog free?

No, Amazon will define the price based on what we deem is a fair value for customers.

So I've added my blog to Amazon but I would only recommend subscribing if the convenience of direct feeds to your Kindle is worth the $1.99/month. That's just for my blog, mind you. At that rate, I'll get 30% (60 cents or $7.20 per year per subscriber). But I'm not looking for subscription money from my readers. And if you want direct feeds of other blogs, each will cost you.

With the iPad frenzy, I thought Amazon would be a bit more customer-friendly and allow blog subscriptions for free. But at least they're trying. I have not found direct self-publishing options for blogs or eBooks for Barnes & Noble's Nook, Sony's Reader or the Apple iPad (although with a web browser and RSS feeds, the iPad has you covered).

There is a third-party service worth checking out that allows independent authors to publish eBooks (but not blogs) for free, and distribute to many of these eReaders: Smashwords.

There are also iPhone and Droid apps available as eReaders on your smartphone.

But please, dear readers, share your thoughts! If you're a blogger/author, please tell us about your experiences with eReaders. And thank you, Diane, for the nudge.

So Where the Hell Have I Been Lately?

I am a man of many interests. I play guitar, watch lots of television, read (need to do this much more), study improv techniques to help with the stage fright and the writing (signed up for BIG's advanced course this spring), manage a fantasy sports team (baseball starts next week!), and connect with people - I've been doing that since I could walk. But writing tops them all: scripts, blogs, tweets, songs, and even technical documents and business rules at work.

I hear rumblings that blogs are passé; that they are losing steam. That's like saying newspapers are dead. Wait a minute. Delivering yesterday's news tomorrow may be outdated, but journalism and credibility are not. It's just harder to find. Delivery methods of newsprint and door-to-door delivery is nostalgic but inefficient. And anyone can write information on the internet. It's up to us to find reliable sources.

And I am not a journalist. I don't pretend to be. My blog is observational: my personal observations and opinions. However, I do actual research when dissecting a topic. And, no, not just with Wikipedia, though it is a fountain of information.

For the past few months I have not been giving my blog it's due attention. Honestly, I've been microblogging on Twitter and I can't stop. The content boundary is 140 characters: I can make someone laugh in that space. Repeatedly. Every day. It's like a sitdown comedy club with no cover charge and no audition. To be accepted as a comic and as someone funny it takes time, good judgment and patience - but it's well worth the reward.

I write jokes for free. Every single day. Some day I'll make a living at it, but I'm not concerned about cash flow on Twitter. Getting a warm reaction and retweets (appreciation shown by others through reposting your tweet) is very rewarding. And it hones my craft.

I enjoy Facebook, but there are essentially no limits to the length or variety of posts there (for me or others). I pop in to check out statuses of friends and family, drop some comments and hellos, and bolt before three days pass and I haven't showered or eaten because I can't stop the tangent/URL hopping. Luckily I don't play Farmville or Mafia Wars; otherwise I'd never see the sun again.

My blog posts are not diary entries of personal quests, rehashings of someone else's information, or mini snippets of opinion about what happened on The View yesterday - which would be: someone made me laugh; as much as I hate to admit it, I love Barbara Walters; and Elizabeth's credentials of reality show alumnus (Survivor) must remain top of mind (AKA consider the source).

On Twitter, I converse with some fabulous people. I have even made some real friends. I consider these relationships just as authentic as with classmates and coworkers. In school and at work, we share only what we want to share with our friends. Many know a little; those we trust and like know more. The same is true on the web. You learn over time who is genuine, who is casual, who is just marketing, and who you need to keep at arm's length or blocked entirely.

Those who know me personally know that I speak my mind always, giving respect where its due, and enjoy taking on Big Brother, bullies, misogynists, idiots and assholes. I don't enjoy confrontation, but I detest oppression, ignorance and what I view as wrong even more. Writing allows me to speak honestly and to be heard because I believe I have something to say. If people disagree, I welcome a dialogue. If people hate me, I welcome them to stop listening. It doesn't mean I'll stop speaking.

But I am not giving up my blog. I love to share observations that are thought out, and worth sharing, that are much longer than 140 characters. And more than anything, I love to make people laugh.

I really will try to post more. I now have a fabulous home office - my girlfriend Barb and I finally created a space we both needed and now love!

For those who just aren't into the Twitter thing, I understand. I do think there's some good content you're missing (and I don't just mean mine).

Actually, I think there's a lot of good content we're all missing. The timeline on Twitter is where you see the tweets from accounts you follow. One reality is this timeline is in constant motion. The more people you follow, the faster the information flows. I would guesstimate a large percentage of what I tweet is actually missed, unless someone consciously goes back to review past tweets. Or if they're really skilled with a third-party tool managing the information they want to see. Archiving what you write also requires some third-party intervention. Otherwise, it's lost to the ether of the twittersphere.

On Twitter, I'm GCGeek. If you haven't checked out Twitter, I encourage you to give it a try. And look me up!

And please let me know what you're thinking about this or any other post. Suggest topics you'd like covered on Do I Amuse You? And let me know who you are on Twitter.

Since I've been gone for so long, the least I can do is offer a sampling of some of my favorite tweets from the past few weeks. I hope you like them! [You'll notice a few "hashtags" - words without spaces marked with a # sign. These serve as search tags as well as subject classifiers and sometimes punchlines.]

During the various Snowmageddon/Blizzaster Events:
Even in a blizzard, saying "What happened to global warming?" is like Warren Buffett looking at his checkbook and saying "What recession?"

I'm not a journalist-until I stick a mic in my hand, point a camera at my face, and start talking about what's happening in the background.

From Valentine's Day:
Dear God. When praying for a few extra inches by Valentine's Day, perhaps I should have been more specific. @SnowMyGoodness

Tell you what: Don't expect me to find the perfect romantic gift and I won't expect you to find the right car parts. #NotAFanOfVD

IMO dating is the process of finding a partner. I don't ask my boss to interview me each year to remind her why she hired me. #NotAFanOfVD

Live during the Grammys:
I like Green Day but they remixed their old songs. And Billy Joe fixed his teeth and thanked his kids. I bet he drives a Buick too. #Grammys

Taylor's accepting a Grammy. You know Jay-Z's got his foot on Kanye's throat right now. #Grammys

Live during the Oscars:
And the award for most sanctimonious introduction and feigned humility goes to...

Wow. Seems all the big stars are sporting beards these days: Keanu, Jake, Tom. They all have facial hair, too.

Playing DJ:
Heart – City's Burning. From Private Audition. One of my favorite guitar songs to play. Ever! ♫

And Random tweets:
If you do what's right and are kind to others, it doesn't matter which God you're pleasing. At least in my book.

My spam is really stepping it up. They went from "Want to make it huge?" to "giant". Who do they think I'm dating, the fifty-foot woman?

Dear Chammps: Thanks for charging $6.09 for pint drafts of Sam Adams. Golden taps or does this pay for that stupid extra "M"?

If a tree falls in the woods on Pat Robertson, and no one's there to hear him make a sound, is it still wrong for me to smile?

[In reply to @Caissie] Al Roker: weatherman, novelist, hard-core rapper. Once he does a season of the View he can retire as the most unqualified everyman.

It's March Madness, where I just toss out state names to be part of the conversation. Freaking Kansas, you know? And Cal? Whew! #IHaveNoClue

I just paid $80 for a spare MacBook power cord. 80. Freakin. $. I wonder if Steve Jobs paid three-times-a-reasonable-MSRP for his liver?

1) When your girlfriend says "pick up a bottle of wine on your way home", you just do it. No questions asked and definitely no whining.
2) And if you're Jesse James, "Don't bang anyone on the way home." You wouldn't think you'd have to say it, but you know men.

I hate when a sweater rides and the elastic at the bottom produces a faux bump. Like that extra crotch popper fold in every pair of Levi's.

Note to self: "YTF you hatin on me?" is not an appropriate response to my performance appraisal. Even in a recession and shit.

My coffee is either too weak (used < recommended scoops) or too strong (judging by color). Until I taste, it is both: Schrödinger's Coffee

A journey of 11 steps starts with a shower. Good morning, friends.

Despite retirement my dad has been teaching for 50 years. His advice on my writing: Just keep at it & if it's meant to be it will happen.

♬ Bus stop, bus go, she stays love grows. Under my umbrella. ♬ That made it to #5 on the UK charts, and I can't write a hit song?

REO Speedwagon, Pat Benatar & Night Ranger at B'more's Pier Six Pavilion Sept 4! Better find my Members Only jacket, cargo pants and hair.

Steve Wilkos looks just like Cal Ripken...without the integrity.

I'm no longer calling myself a non-practicing Catholic. You don't need practice at judgment or guilt.

Perhaps adding VP to my title will remove the invisible mute button that seems perpetually stuck when I speak to higher-ups. #CorporateLife

When you get that close to my car's ass with your little sporty self-indulgent feat of German engineering, all I can say is Dousche!