Mike's Top 10 Mantiques
- 19” RCA XL-100 TV – It’s the only appliance I know of that has a new model every year and never changed the version number! Guaranteed it’s a console if she needs your help moving
- Corded Landline Telephone - But it is touchtone
- Desktop Computer - Hopefully newer than a 486
- Single-tray CD Player - No, it doesn’t read MP3s either
- VCR – Hey, there’s an 18-hour Benny Hill marathon on – If I can find enough of your store-brand six-hour blank videotapes, I’ll record them at low quality and only have to swap them out three times (better set the alarm), then I get to play them back with a grainy picture on your RCA! Where's the Jiffy-Pop?!
- Dial-up Modem - Yes, even if you have two 56Ks linked together. "Get off the computer, I'm on the phone!"
- Non-programmable Thermostat - Cold? Slide the stick to the right. Hot? Slide the stick to the left. What temperature is it in here anyway? The plastic, mercury-filled weight bar says it’s between 60 dot and 70 dot
- Long-distance Calling Card - First dial 1-800-888-8000, then enter your 16-digit calling card number and 6-digit pin; listen for the dial tone; dial the 10-digit number you are calling which you cannot recall because all phone numbers are stored in your cell phone, which is dead, and her e-Machine desktop doesn’t have a USB port to charge it!
- Charcoal Grill - Honey, can you put the steaks on? Um, the coals need another gallon of high-octane, combustible fluid that I’ll pour while standing on your 4-foot apartment deck. Then only another 30 minutes until they’re gray and ashy – that means we’re ready to cook!
- Map - Without a GPS and no broadband, she hands you a fold-out to find the wedding in upstate New York. She also has an Atlas, if it helps.
Mike Morucci is a blogger.