Monday, January 04, 2010

New Year's Resolutions: If I believed all that spam email

I had fun on Twitter a few days ago when I started #SpamResolutions, but it just didn't catch on.

The basic idea: What would my New Year's resolutions look like if I believed the ridiculous spam emails I receive? Here is what I came up with:
  • Meet my secret crush.
  • Update my PayPal password via this handy link.
  • Pay imaginary bills. I just got a SECCONND NOTICE!!
  • Cancel my Dell order. I earned a free laptop!
  • Do some comparison pricing of Lipit0R and L3v1trA
  • Find my oppositely gendered doppelgänger on eHarmony
  • Why, yes, I do want to make it massive/huge/big/large/gimongous/redonculous.
  • Trust all emails that mention my name (without spaces) in the subject line. How do they know me?!
  • ALLISON has sent me a message, and dammit, I'm going to read and respond.
  • Quit my job and freelance as a mystery shopper for Victoria's Secret.
  • Earn money and a masters degree from home in my footie pajamas.
  • Attend a virtualization webinar. Whatever the hell that is.
  • Renew my Canadian Viagra prescriptions online. Easily!
  • Learn how to please her. Finally.
  • Open those emails that I apparently sent to myself but forgot that I sent them to myself, but used my name in the subject line to remind me. They must be important.
  • Launder my Nigerian fortune.
  • Decrease my unsightly personal mass with the Acai Berry Diet. And the Taco Bell Drive-Thru Diet.
Happy New Year! I can't wait to find the new thin, over-educated, rich, sexed up me!

Add your own in the comments. It's fun!


One Wink at a Time said...

Mike, I enjoyed your tweets immensely (as usual) and just didn't have the damn time to contribute anything. One of the most annoying things in life (for me) is not being able to make time to express myself when I'm feeling it. It's much like home remodeling... when you have the time, you don't have the cash and vice versa. Frustrating to say the least. But wanted to know your efforts were not in vain... I'm sure plenty others feel the same. BTW, love your word "redonculous."
I have one email account that I never use, mostly b/c of the spam which collects there. It's a vicious circle... I visit there once in a blue moon. I'm sure there is a ton or resolution fodder there as we speak...
But this post was GREAT.

Mike said...

Thanks Linda! There is so much information streaming by on twitter, my guess is 85% of it is never seen. There simply isn't enough time to engage in all the online activity. As always, thanks for the kind words! P.S. "redonculous" isn't mine - I've heard it from too many friends who enjoy the ESPN lexicon of adjective mashups. ;-)

One Wink at a Time said...

My Twitter page was getting out of control. I would have to scan maybe 5 pages every time I checked in. So I pared down my following and it's more manageable. I am easily overwhelmed. But also cursed by the affliction of being afraid to miss something. So I just deal with it. Same goes for Facebook, I try and keep my friends list from becoming redonculous.