The basic idea: What would my New Year's resolutions look like if I believed the ridiculous spam emails I receive? Here is what I came up with:
- Meet my secret crush.
- Update my PayPal password via this handy link.
- Pay imaginary bills. I just got a SECCONND NOTICE!!
- Cancel my Dell order. I earned a free laptop!
- Do some comparison pricing of Lipit0R and L3v1trA
- Find my oppositely gendered doppelgänger on eHarmony
- Why, yes, I do want to make it massive/huge/big/large/gimongous/redonculous.
- Trust all emails that mention my name (without spaces) in the subject line. How do they know me?!
- ALLISON has sent me a message, and dammit, I'm going to read and respond.
- Quit my job and freelance as a mystery shopper for Victoria's Secret.
- Earn money and a masters degree from home in my footie pajamas.
- Attend a virtualization webinar. Whatever the hell that is.
- Renew my Canadian Viagra prescriptions online. Easily!
- Learn how to please her. Finally.
- Open those emails that I apparently sent to myself but forgot that I sent them to myself, but used my name in the subject line to remind me. They must be important.
- Launder my Nigerian fortune.
- Decrease my unsightly personal mass with the Acai Berry Diet. And the Taco Bell Drive-Thru Diet.
Add your own in the comments. It's fun!